Poop
 

Let me apologize for this ahead of time. This is supremely disgusting.

Monkeyboy has a store in Old City, which is not only known as the historic district of Philadelphia, but also Party Central, having 100+ bars within a few square blocks. So, it's to be expected that at a certain time of the evening, many of his customers are, well, pretty likker'd up.

And of course it happens every so often that one of his toasty customers is in dire need of restroom facilities. Which, being the kind soul that he is, Monkeyboy is inclined to oblige them. The restroom is near the entrance, so he alway figured, no harm, no foul...

Until tonight, that is.

A few minutes ago, I was notified that we'd be staying at the store after closing, because he'd opened the restroom door to find a gigantic, fat turd sitting on the seat of the toilet. Apparently, one of his better-known customers was a lot drunker than he appeared, and missed.

On the upside, I guess it was good that the guy didn't miss completely. That would have been worse, I think. Poor Monkeyboy is understandably traumatized at the moment, and he'll never be able to look at Poop Guy the same way again.

I have photos, but perhaps luckily for the Cellar, I can't find my USB cord at the moment. Be warned, I will post them later...I feel the best way to dissipate this horrendous event is to share! :) :greenface

We haven't had a good discussion of poop in a while. Well, not since busterb went for the colonoscopy ...

Wolf, I imagine that people at your workplace might snicker with derision at our poop freakout. :notworthy

I think the real question is, are you going to send the photos to the perp? :3eye:

I wonder if your pooper is the same guy who pooped in my coworker's bathtub during the (then) Core States bike race. He lives right on The Wall.

Thing is, the only people who were in his house (we have pretty good control of the front door and didn't let any strangers in) were invited guests and the Channel 6 News Crew.

In the bathtub...that's really bad. Where is "The Wall?"

I tried to ask Monkeyboy if he wanted to share the photos with our pooper, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He's a little cranky right now.

At least the guy didn't paint with it as some do . . .

A friend attended a nice, family party. Outdoors, around the pool, that sort of thing. The child that lived there told his mom he needed to go to the bathroom, so she sent him in the house. He was gone a long while and the next person to use the loo got a very big surprise. Apparently, it was even on the ceiling.

Poop molecules can't travel over the Internet.

Can they.

They can't, right?

I mean, there's no way they could!

Is there?

:worried:

Only through spinach, as far as I know. :eek:

Ah....them (in)famous doodies...

http://216.127.90.69/doodie.com/pics/2007.gif.12302006

Is The Cellar ready for turd pictures?

What a silly question.

Put a toothbrush in front of your monitor, just to be safe. Everybody knows it will attract every poop molecule within 10 feet.:D

A poop rod!

:litebulb:Brilliant!!:litebulb:

Thanks, Brucejamin Franklin!!

dude, i can look at a lot of different types of pictures, but i still find my right nostril cringing at the thought of it. or maybe it's just at the thought of the experience of [i]finding[i] something like that. i can totally understand why monkeyboy is cranky. yuk.

It's funny peoples reactions to "poop" some are horrified others are neither bothered by it.
having worked looking after old people in residents homes I could tell some horror stories but i won't however i will tell you a story.
Many moons ago I worked in an elecrtro plating factory and various maintenance tradesmen worked there.Plumbers,Electricians etc,one night working nightshift the young plumber came up to me and said "You have to see this" dragging me to the toilets..
We both had a kinda bizzare sense of humour so he must have thought i would have found this funny.
there on the cubicle floor was a turd,"What about that then? 11 1/2 inches without breaking "he was so proud .
I for once was speechless,guess it takes all sorts.. :D

You've been in Philadelphia how long?

The Manayunk Wall. The bike race, first weekend in June, world class cyclists, multiple laps around the city including the street (Levering/Lyceum) with the 17% grade hill? That Wall.

Several of my patients are fecal decorative, so I know what you mean.

They got on the Mythbuster's brand-new sealed toothbrush somehow ...

I've seen that type of pride, but thankfully, not the output. Robert the crazy guy who sleeps on the porch was regaling me with the tale of his own 14" production the other night.

We seem to have some cross over with my last gig here. Long bus ride, loose stool, need to assert creative control over environment. Breath taking sister, absolutely breath taking.

Throughout History, mankind has strived to better himself......


from the Pyramids to the Roman Empire, from Byzanteum to the Pharoes and Rome.......... transending the Dark Ages, victororious over the Black Death, Mankind reaches forever upwards....

... to produce the ultimate toothbrush with a built-in computer.....

You're not mocking the poop molecule, are you? :eyebrow:

Back when I was in high school, I was english class talking to someone screwing off when three girls come in on the verge of tears making a big scene. They were going to the bathroom and supposedely their was a piece of poop that was around a foot long, unbroken as well. They, of course, had to tell this story to the whole class and they actually had a picture of it. Easy way to take a class off-topic for a good ten minutes...

The bold portion is what caught my attention. He PLANNED to do his business on the floor hoping for the "big one" so he could show it to someone. I hope he cleans up the ones that don't pass muster...

TYPES OF POO

Ghost Poo:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the
toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the
toilet.

Second Thoughts Poo:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise...
there's more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
pants down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won't go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
This kind of poo usually happens when you're at someone else's house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as "floaters." Even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you'd got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house
(normally a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside
to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called "screamers." You know it's safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.

These girls are obviously my long-lost sisters.

Monkeyboy has gotten quite a bit of mileage off of this horror. So far he's used the Poop Story as a late excuse, and as an out of a strenuous situation. Deservedly so, I say.

Good fortune for you all--I fear my USB cord is lost, so I'll have to order a new one.

As a public service (you paying attention Judge?), I'll give you the answer.
Lay some toilet paper across the floaters, it will drag them down with it. :angel:

I suggest Flushmate. I put two of these, with flush mechanism modifications, in my house. They even pull poop molecules out of the air.

The Wish Poo is also known as the "Here I Sit, All Broken Hearted..."

At least among the [Poop]house Poet set.

I so hang around with the wrong crowd

just don't start calling him: MudMonkey boy.
:p

last winter before my surgery, I had been taking Oxycodone for pain. One of the side effects of this is constipation, I had not had a movement in nearly a month.
needless to say I s**t a brick. It was the size of two 12oz soda cans side by side, not pleasant. "OUCH"

I used to think that competitive or exhibitionist bowel moving was purely a male domain. Until I was in a nightclub in Watford (don't go to Watford, trust me) and there was one left on the seat in the Ladies....

Still - I've definitely known more men to boast of their or their friends "achievements".

Two lads I knew when I was eighteen took a year off between school and Uni to travel round Australia. They didn't get any further than Sydney and came home early complaining that the beer was crap. My pretty low opinion of them sank to rock bottom because the trip had mostly been bankrolled by their parents - I would have loved the opportunity to do it. Wasters.

Anyway - the most animation I ever saw on their faces was when they told the story of leaving the house they were renting rooms in. They skipped out owing money on rent and bills, and - this is the really funny part - both of them took a dump in the garage. I realised at this point my opinion could sink lower.

I mean what sort of weird mind thinks this sort of thing up?

Sounds like something from Ronco: and it really really works! But wait, there's more.

That must be what they had in the hotel I stayed in at conference though. It's like a vacuum hole opens up in the earth and pulls have the room in with it. It was so loud it scared the hell out of me the first couple of times...but I can see it being more efficient.


Ali: I love your poo definitions. My younger brother is going to crap, er..uh. laugh!