Redneck Greeting Cards
So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day...
look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.

You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

You totaled your car... and can't remember why...
could it have been... that case of Bud Dry

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again....

named tw...

Nah...he doesn't normally do that sort of thing. He would throw in Action News and MBAs, however.

Don't forget quoting a lengthy, but unrelated, article from The Economist.

what makes military guys laugh pt. 1
 

Ten reasons why it is easier to have a handgun than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS EASIER THAN A WOMAN . .

#1- You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

more military jokes (lol these are it, unless you want dirty ones)
 

>U.S. Marine Corp Rules for Gun Fighting:
>
>1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
>friends who have guns.
>
>
>2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Your
>life is expensive.
>
>
>3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
>
>
>4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough
>nor using cover correctly.
>
>
>5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
>diagonal movement are preferred.)
>
>
>6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
>friend with a long gun.
>
>
>7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
>tactics. They will only remember who lived.
>
>
>8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
>running.
>
>
>9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
>dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
>
>
>9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
>
>
>10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to
>beat you to death with it because it is empty.
>
>
>11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
>
>
>12. Have a plan.
>
>
>13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
>
>
>14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
>
>
>15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect Your Ass.
>
>
>16. Don't drop your guard.
>
>
>17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
>
>
>18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust, everyone else, keep
>your hands where I can see them).
>
>
>19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
>
>
>20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
>
>
>21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone and
>everything you meet and see.
>
>
>22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
>
>
>23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
>avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
>
>
>24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not
>start with a ".4"
>
>
>
>Navy Rules to Gun Fighting:
>
>
>1. Go to Sea.
>
>
>2. Send in the Marines.
>
>
>3. Drink Coffee.
>
>
>4. Play with your Inflatable Doll.
>
>
>
>Army Rules to Gun Fighting:
>
>
>1. Go Back to Sleep.
>
>
>2. Send in the Marines.
>
>
>3. Wake up and have a Cup of Coffee.
>
>
>4. Tell the General the Enemy Retreated and Couldn't be Found.
>
>
>
>Air Force Rules to Gun Fighting:
>
>
>1. Blow the shit out of everything on the ground.
>
>
>2. Send in the Marines to kill whatâ?Ts left.
>
>
>3. Have a Cup of Coffee and wait for the Marine Recon Report.
>
>
>4. Take ALL the Credit.
>
>
>

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the
face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good--the best I ever had! You hear me, boy? I said I got
it on with your grandma!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma moaned and groaned 'cause she liked it!
Now what do you think of that, boy?"

At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders and says
"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

33. The Von Trapp Family was the singing family from "The Sound of Music"

34. "Light as a feather, stiff as a board"...it's a thing you do with about ten people or so... we used to do it at summer camp. One person lies on the floor, and everyone else sits around them, with one finger of each hand under their body. The person at the prone person's head tells a story about how the person "died," while the rest of the people are chanting "light as a feather, stiff as a board." Supposedly, at the end of the story, everyone lifts up, and are able to lift the prone person with just two fingers under the body each.
Of course, if you have ten people, it's easy to lift one person with twenty fingers....but it was really spooky and cool when you were a kid....:)


Sidhe

Re: more military jokes (lol these are it, unless you want dirty ones)
 

As a US Navy submariner I'll only take slight umbrage at your remarks about the surface fleet and amend the rules to include:

Silent Service rules for Gun Fighting

1) Always clear your baffles

2) Silence is your friend, and your only armor

3) There's no such thing as a target too small to use 650 pounds of PBX-105 High Explosive on

4) When in doubt, run deep and fast

5) Lather, rinse, repeat as needed until there are no more floating targets

lol excellent addition.

i should note that the rules were sent to me by a marine buddy -- the views expressed therein do not necessarily reflect those of this station or its affiliates, etc. etc. Plus, marines are nuts.

two condoms walking down the street, they pass a gay bar.

1st condom to 2nd condom " lets go in here and get shit faced "

HEY I resemble that remark !!!!!!

Not ALL Jar heads are nuts , just the ones that NEED to be !!!




SEMPER FI , DO OR DIE !!!!!

P.S. Ya flippin' Swaby !!!!!!

I take it that you are one of the nuts, correct?

You're just mad because the Marines are only recently released from being a part of the Dept of The Navy.

We only kept marines around to carry our shit. We didn't even need them for security.

A bunch of sea going bellhops.