Humor...I Need Humor...
 

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Serengeti (of course) sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of
this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs an animal into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business. Now give me back my dog."

good one, els :D

kinda wish i'd of subscribed to this when i was married! yeah, right!:p

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"

A woman was at the mall and she walked past the pet store, and there was a big parrot in the window with a sign behind it, "Buy this parrot, only $15.00". She had always wanted a parrot so she walked in and interrogated the owner about why the price was so low. The owner explained, "You see Ma'am, the parrot's previous owner was a prostitute, and she kept the bird at the brothel with her. So he says all kinds of disgusting and inappropriate things, and nobody wants to take him." The woman decided she'd chance it, and bought the bird.

When she got home, the parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam." The woman chuckled and logged on to the internet to read up on parrot training.

A little while later, her two daughters came home from high school. The parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam.... new girls..." The woman explained what was going on and they all had a laugh. Then her husband came home, and the parrot squawked and said, "Hi, George."

kids...
 

Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Posted Without Comment
 

No comment...

Three Nuns get into a car accident and die.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and says, "Welcome to heaven, sisters, you have led good christian lives, I just have to ask you each one question before I let you in. Margaret, have you ever touched a man's privates?"

Margaret says, " yes, once when I was young, before I joined the Convent."

St Peter produces a basin of holy water and asks Margaret to wash her hands in it before she enters. As Margaret is washing her hands, Mary and Catherine are pushing and shoving each other, fighting over the next spot in line. St Peter breaks them up, and demands to know what the ruccus is about. Catherine says," I want to wash my mouth out before Mary puts her ass in that water!!

For elspodes cat pic
 

This is Mitzy.
Mitzy's owners thought she looked SO cute like this.
Mitzy even smiled for the pictures. (cant you see her smile?)
Mitzy was still smiling when animal control arrived.
Mitzy's owners looked just like the drapes in their living room.
Mitzy is pleading insanity. I think she'll get off. Can you blame her?

Re: For elspodes cat pic
 

ahhhhh tequila and boredom, what a concept:D

whoa! a new tag line???

      There are three types of sex in any long term relationship. House sex, room sex and hall sex.
      House sex is at the beginning of the relationship when things are still really hot and no matter where you are in the house you'll just do it then and there.
      After the relationship matures a little bit you both know when it's time and you head to the bed room. That's when your you're at room sex.
      After you do that for awhile you find yourself having hall sex. That's when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you."

      Additionaly, some relationships have a fourth type, Court Sex. That's when her lawyer fucks you in front of the judge.

oh lawd. did you have to remind me? i'm still licking my wounds!!

      Heh, ok then. More on that.
      How's a woman like a tornado? They moan when they come and take the house when they leave!
     Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job!

Actually I heard it like this....


What do a Tornado and a Marriage have in common?

In the beginning there's a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you just lose your house.

Three nuns are walking through the park, when out of the bushes, a Flasher leaps. He throws open his trench coat and starts making lewd noises.


The first nun has a stroke.





The second nun also has a stroke.








The third one wouldn't touch it.

I heard it was 3 old ladies and the third one's arms were too short. Good joke though.


A pirate walks into a bar with the helm (steering wheel) attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Man that looks painful". The Pirate answers..."Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"

Crazy guy walks in to see his new psychiatrist wearing only cellophane pants. The doc looks up from his desk and says "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts".


Why don't women have brains?
They don't have penises to keep them in.


What's brown and sticky?









A stick.

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

texas quarters
 

WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb?


None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

As I was reading Plthijinx's Texas quarters to my hubby he started going through his change so in the middle of the story I picked on him if he was that intrested he better get to Wal-mart and get one trying to keep a straight face I finished the story by the last word I could have sworn he was going to throw his change at me...lol thank you Plthijinx That was well worth it.

LOL! that made it worth the post!!!:D :beer:

Bill Clinton
 

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell.

At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water.

Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before Ken is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."

A married couple is trying to do the bills and they realize after the husband's layoff they won't be able to pay them. They're afraid of losing their house and try to think of a way to pay the bills. Desperate, the wife says, "I guess I could become a prostitute."

The husband says, "That's horrible, we can't do that." But after some careful consideration they figure it's the only way so they decide to do it. The wife gets dressed up and they go to a corner.

A man pulls up in a car and she gets in. The man asks, "How much for sex?". The woman never went over prices with her husband so she says, "Wait a minute, I'll be right back" and she gets out of the car goes up to her husband and asks, "What do I charge for sex?" The husband replies, "I don't know, how about a hundred dollars?"

The woman gets back in the car and says, "That's a hundred dollars" and the customer says, "That's too much. How much for a blowjob?" She get's out of the car and asks her husband how much to charge for a blowjob. He says, "40 dollars".

So the woman gets back into the car and says, "40 dollars". The man says, "That's too much too. How much for a handjob?" She gets out of the car, asks her husband and he says, "20 bucks".

She gets back in the car and says, "It's 20 bucks". The John says, "Ok, it's a deal." He gives her $20, unzips his fly and pulls out the biggest dick she's ever seen. The guy is huge. She says, "Hold on a minute" gets out of the car, walks up to her husband and says, "Honey, can I borrow a hundred dollars?"

Q: How is computer programming like sex?

A: If you make one mistake, you support it for the rest of your life



A distinguished professor of mathematics came into his office at the university one morning and found a pile of paper burning. Next to the fire was a bucket of water. He picked up the bucket, put out the fire with the water, and sat down to work.

A week later, when he came to work, he saw there was another fire. There was also a bucket of water in the far corner of his office. He picked up the bucket, carried it over, sat it next to the fire, and sat down to work.

After all, he had reduced the problem to one which was known to be solvable.

While we're on the software kick...
 

There are only two industries which refer to their customers as users.

A university comes up with a way to help students decide between a mathematics major or an engineering major.

They line the candidates up along one side of the gym. On the other side they line up attractive members of the opposite sex. Then they are given the following instructions: Every ten seconds you may walk half way to your partner on the opposite side. When you reach your partner you may kiss him or her as the case may be.

Some of the candidates leave and become mathematicians. The others stay and become engineers.

Because the mathematicians know that it is impossible to reach the other side given the directions.

But the engineers know they will get close enough for practical purposes.

Owed to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

being a pilot, i just had to post this one!
 

This should be in every pilot's manual..................

Why Airplanes are Easier to Live with than Women:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes
you've flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's usually not good.

And the thing you pray for the most is that they don't go down on you...?

no doubt! planes anyway!:D almost one time though, over I-10 at night in between Beaumont and Houston. i was able to troubleshoot the problem though before merging into traffic from above!

UPS man

One Monday morning a UPS man is driving thru the
neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both
cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The UPS man comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night,
this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday
morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds,
"your name was guessed four or five times."

Two hunters, Joe and Billy-Bob, are out in the woods looking to kill a Bambi. They have been at it all day, and they have not once spotted anything white-tailed.

With a sigh of exhaustion, Billy-Bob puts down his rifle, rummages through his back-pack, and pulls out some Charmin. "Joe, you just sit tight a few minutes, I'm going to take a dump." Billy-Bob wanders off, Joe leans against a tree and munches on some granola.

Twenty minutes pass. Then twenty more. Joe is starting to get impatient, but suddenly, he spots a good sized buck wandering into range. Without making any sudden moves, Joe gets his rifle, and raises it into position. At the perfect moment, he snaps off a shot. The buck jerks, then buckles and falls without even taking a step. Joe approaches his kill. He looks at it for a while, and wonders why Billy-Bob hasn't come back yet. Really, he should have heard the shot.

Joe goes off and looks for his hunting partner. He spots him and lets out a hillbilly guffaw! Billy-Bob was squatting by a tree with his pants around his ankles, totally fast asleep. Joe, at least now knowing where ol' Billy is, goes off to field dress his deer. He's done some time later, and he is really a bit amazed that Billy hasn't woken up yet. Joe thinks to himself 'That Billy's gonna wake up and find himself a surprise!' Joe goes about setting up his good old country practical joke. He puts all the deer offal under Billy's squatting hairy butt, then he goes off and sets up camp nearby.

Some time later, Joe spots Billy approaching him, looking very green. 'Billy, you don't look so good, what's up?'

'Joe, this ain't never happened to me before! Gaddamm! I was out there taking my dump, and... uh, I must'a passed out! I wake up, and I find that I shit all my guts out! But now Joe, don't you worry too much, cuz with the help of a stick, I shoved it all back in!'

Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Vacations . They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night .
Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores ....... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like Government Bonds ....... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Re: Humor...I Need Humor...
 

Fargin true Elsie.... note that the con-sultant cluelessly tried to make off with the shepard's sheparding tool. I've seen this in action.....

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water.
ACTION: Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

The Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any member who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam."

Just go to show ya , Never underestamate the smarts of a NCO!!

What's an NCO?

Non Commissioned Officer.

Two men made there way hitchhiking across the countryside, both tired and hungry desperate for some kind soal to pick them up. Finally, a farmer pulled up along side them and offered to take them back to his farm for the night and give them a room and breakfast for the night, on the one condition that neither of them touched his beautiful daughter, or punishment would prevail.

The Hitchhikers agreed at the kind offer and returned to the farm with the farmer. upon arrival they met the farmers daughter who was the most beautiful woman either had ever seen. during the night, while the farmer slept the beautiful and promiscuous daughter entered the hitchhikers rooms and had intercourse with them.

The next day the farmer was waiting for the two men outside their rooms when they awoke. "you have slept with my daughter" he bellowed from behind a large shot gun. "your punishment is to go into my field and pick 100 fruits of your favourite fruit and bring them back.

The two went into the orchards, The 1st returned with 100 grapes. The farmer, still armed, odered him to proceed to fit ever one of those grapes into his anus, until he did this he would not be released. he began..

he squished in 40grapes.. started to laugh and they all fell out.

he got to 70 grapes... started to laugh and they all fell out.

He even managed 99 grapes.. started to laugh and they all fell out.

"what's so funny?" asked the furious farmer.

the hitchhiker replied:

"My friends out there picking watermelons"

      Here's one very similar to the last one.

      A hunter gets lost in the woods. As he's looking for civilization he comes across a house. He knocks on the door and asks if he can stay for the night, as he thinks he can find his truck in the morning. The home owner, an Asian man, says that he can stay but warns that if the hunter touches the home owners daughter he will be subjected to the "Three Chinese Tortures."
      The hunter readily agrees, but regrets his decision as soon as he sees the daughter. Still, he reminds himself of his promise and goes to bed without trying anything. A few minutes after he lays down the daughter slips into his room and he thinks, "Ah to hell with that."
      The hunter wakes up the next morning having trouble breathing. He opens his eyes and finds a large rock sitting on his chest with a note on it that reads, "Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest."
      So the hunter, thinking "this is the 'Torture'?" throws the rock out of the open window next to the bed. Then he sees a second note on the window sill that reads, "Chinese Torture number Two: Right testicle tied to rock." The hunter seeing the fishing line going from rock to under the covers has no time to consider and throws himself out the widow.
      On the outside of the window sill he see a third note. As he's falling he reads "Chinese torture number Three: Left testicle tied to bed rail."

Two intrepid explorers, Robbo and Davo come across a clearing in the jungle and, to their dismay, come face to face with the largest lion they've ever seen.
Immediately Davo crouches down and begins removing his sturdy explorers boots and replaces them with much lighter running shoes.
Robbo looks at him in amazement and says " You're a damn fool if you think you've got the slightest chance of outrunning a lion !"
"Forget the lion" replies Davo, over his shoulder as he sprints off " I only have to outrun you !"

1- When the Captain of a warship asks the helmsman " How's the head" he is asking for the ships heading.
2- The helmsman can be as lowly as a seaman in rank as he/she does no free thinking, simply turning a tiny knob as directed.

The Captain of our ship entered the bridge after we had sailed from a 5 day r&r visit toThailand and this exchange took place.

Captain "How's the head"

Helmsman ( (very) ordinary seaman Black ) " Not too bad thanks sir. I came back a little earlier cos I knew I was gonna be driving"

footnote; it was later discovered that this exchange had already taken place and had been documented in an anecdotal book. Black had read said book and had been bursting for an opportunity to test it out.

Yes, the Skipper eventually saw the funny side of the situation but his initial glare and protracted stunned silence had us in fear of Blacks immediate future.

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
She says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“
She asks, “What’s that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

      A man is walking along a beach when he finds a lamp in the sand. He picks it up and starts rubbing it clean when a genie suddenly springs forth from the lamp. The genie says, "I am the Genie of the cursed lamp."
      The man repeats, "Cursed lamp?"
      The genie says, "Yes. I will grant you three wishes. However I will give twice as much to your mother-in-law."
      The man thinks it over asnd says, "For my first two wishes I want a 100 Billion dollars and a huge mansion with a forty car garage full of classics."
      The genie says, "Your wishes are granted. However your mother-in-law now has 200 Billion dollars and two huge mansions with 40 car garages full of classics. What is your third wish?"
      The man answers, "I wish you'd beat me half to death."

Shortly after being created Adam is wandering morosely around Eden muttering under his breath.
God's voice booms down " Whats wrong my son? "
" Well pretty much everything is perfect but I can't help feeling there's something missing" replies Adam.
"Don't worry, it's all under control my son" said God " I'm working on a creation to keep you company. It will be appealing to the eye, sympathetic to your every need, submissive to your authority and eager to satisfy all your, uh, needs but we'll talk about that later. I call this creation Woman. "
" Well" exclaims Adam " That certainly sounds excellent but what's it gonna cost me? "
" Glad you ask son because this little beauty's gonna set you back an arm and a leg"
Adam mulls this over briefly then responds " So what can I get for a rib? "

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

The two little old ladies, Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Murphy, had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen. How do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs . . . we just screw."

This old man has his son put him in a retirement home. On his first day there he wakes up with a hard-on. Then a nurse comes in and gives him head. He calls his son and says, "Son, thank you so much for sending me here. I woke up with wood and the nurse gave me a hummer! This is fantastic. I love this place"

Then the next day the old man was walking down the hallway and fell down. An orderly walked up behind him, pulled his pants down and screwed him.

The old man calls his son and says, "Son, you've got to get me out of here. This place is terrible. I fell down today and an orderly screwed me!"

The son tells his father, "Well dad, yesterday you got a blowjob from a hot nurse. You've got to take the good with the bad."

The dad replies, "But son, you don't understand. I only get a hard on a couple of times a month. I fall down everyday!"

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank
Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

pic

Wow. A relic from Gulf War I.

Recycling.

It's good for the environment, but really sucks bandwith, don't it? ;)

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."
So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and says, "Because I've spoiled that woman, son."

yeah, but given the circumstances and hadn't seen it around lately.......

i think this one will get some good use.....

Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole

Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.

JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!

Effective as of this_____day of_________________2004
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature

Somewhere in the deep south Plthijinx called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"


"Yes, Plthijinx, that's true," answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Plthijinx, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin, maybe I can sue Heineken for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."

A poor bloke has been strande on a deserted island for quite some time when Elle McPherson and her drowned partner's luggage wash ashore.
It's not long before an intimate relationship is established and the pair are deleriously happy despite their isolation from the rest of the world.
One day he approaches her with various items from her ex's luggage and asks her to put them on. She obliges but asks why. He ignores her as he surveys her in the male clothing.
He then takes some soot from the fire and draws a moustache and beard on her.
She, again, questions him but he placates her soothingly and requests she meet him in a romantic spot at sunset.
She is slightly concerned but more curious to see where his sexual appetite is headed so she readily agrees to meet.
She turns up at the appointed time eager for new experiences.
He arrives at the appointed place, right on time, walks straight up to her and says "G'day mate, guess who I'm fucking"

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed ,and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings " again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear..........

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

this should be told in the first person, like you're relating a hot news item:

you: hey. did you hear about the (insert local quickie mart name here) robbery yesterday?

them: no....?

you: yeah, it was pretty bizzare. these two guys went in and started trashing the place with golf clubs. They broke every glass jar in the store, all the glass doors, then they went after the clerks and chased them out of the store.

them: really?!

you : yeah,but the clerks got a good look at them. apparently they were dressed as golfers. ya, know, they had those hats with the little pom-pom on top, and the izod shirts...oh, and those pants....they're almost shorts...(as you say this you're making chopping motions down by your knee) what're they called??

them: "knickers"

you: No, they were white guys.



the risk you run here is that the person doesn't answer correctly and says " duh, i dunno" or " bloomers?"