Dear Family
 

I love that you all agree with me that marriage/domestic partnership should be a choice between two consenting individuals, no matter how well/poorly society perceives them to go together. And I do appreciate your help with the laundry. However, if one sock is small and navy (that's a shade of blue), and the other is long and black, they are not a pair. They do not go together. And however much we may want to help them be together, they are not both going to fit on the feet of the same person.

Dear Mom,

I want you to meet my new significant other, Sven. He's a colorblind amputee, and it hurts him deeply that you don't consider him a "person."

Dear Family,

I hate you.


Never leave me.

Love,
your Border Collie

Dear Border Collie,


Sit.

Stay.


Signed, The Management.

Dear Mum

I know you think you are offering me a big treat by suggesting that you go through my room while I am in Glasgow and shred out of date papers and clean my bedroom. But didn't my reaction last year give you a clue that this was really not my ideal Christmas present?

I admire that despite your desire for order, you hold off until you know I am away for a night, but I genuinely feel violated at the idea.

I will go through my paperwork and shred what is necessary before 19 December.
But your suggestion that you're worried I might forget something otherwise (ie a bill or a debt) is nonsensical. If I have "forgotten" one in the past, destroying the evidence would have helped, not hindered the process.

I love you and I know you love me.
And Merry Christmas and all that jazz.
I won't thank you when I come back, because I don't want you poking about in there. But I won't sulk about it either.

x

Dear progeny,

I'm delighted to welcome Sven to the family. I do apologise for not forseeing the event of you meeting a one-armed colorblind amputee who also had the misfortune to have one foot shrunk by a witch doctor as he sought solace for his loss in the jungles of darkest Peru. Or did he used to buy his socks in threes? In which case I would check what he's doing with the small one before you say "I do".

Dear Mom,

I'm not sure what you want from me. You told me no socks before marriage. Now you're saying socks is OK as long as it's a matched set? Seems a bit racist, and you've always been so open-minded.

And guess what else, Mom? My dress socks are teh ghey! They keep yelling "We're HERE, we're SHEER, get used to it!"

Dear Family Back There,

Repeat after me, .... Switzerland... SWitzerland.
not Sweden and most definitely not Swaziland.
Go on.. say it now.

Love,
the ex.pat

p.s.. Eastern time plus six hours, NOT minus six hours. ( i.e. don't phone us again at 3:00 a.m. )

Dear ex.pat,

Quit trying to control us!

We'll call you when we damned well please!

After all, YOU'RE the one who ran away to Swaziland!!

Yours,
F.B.T.

Swaziland? Isn't that where they grow snozzberries?

Some people live way out in the Switzer-sticks

Twisted Switzer

now class... pay attention...
.
.
http://www.distancefromto.net/distan...d/to/Swaziland

http://www.distancefromto.net/distan...to/Switzerland

http://www.distance-calculator.co.uk...-to-geneva.htm

Dear children,

No, we are not there yet. We will never be "there". We will always be here. That is a necessary truth.

Love,

WhyIamnotaparent.