That was fucking great

Man, get the fuck outta my head. I've sat on the edge of the bed staring at the closet door knob way too many hours. I'm sure it amounts to years now.

I wouldn't recommend it.:headshake

Everything you do is meaningful - every decision is important

Ruling out the drugs, booze, and French Foreign Legion route kind of dumps the responsibility back in your lap. It's even harder when you don't have someone to nag you or give you a slap upside the head. You may try something that doesn't pan out but don't give up, keep trying, you're worth saving.

Thank you all for your responses, it means a great deal to me and I appreciate you taking the time.

It's not easy for me to express my internal states verbally, so writing it out helps. I apologize for the delay in responding, I was thinking that any response would be inadequate to the value of what's been posted here.

I'm working on shifting my internal state/attitude towards a more effective mental routine, and working through what I think my hang-ups are is something I feel like I need to go through. I do understand that this is what talk therapy is for, and I have had a counselor in recent years and it did help. Right now I'm in a rural area with woefully inadequate mental health resources, and I have reached out in various avenues and have come up short of actually getting any help.

And I absolutely DO have the ƒuck-its. I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zone for about 15 years, put everything into stability and longevity, but haven't reaped those rewards. Just recently, I was down to getting gas with handfuls of quarters and eating frozen burritos while having one of the only good white-collar jobs in the entire county. Honestly, it's bullshit.

What if I just get drunk and play video games and take viagra and have orgies every night, is that what I should have been doing this whole time? What if I push my drumming skills to the limit and become so in-demand that I'm working every night? Well goddammit I'm doing all those things and it all sucks. All I really wanted was a two-car garage in a good school district, and I did all the work and I achieved those things, but it's all gone and I'm more of a loser than I was to begin with.


...


THERE NOW i GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY AND i CAN POST ON THE CELLAR AGAIN

High low middle

All averages out to middle

There is no grade given, no right life.

You're being you. How could you not?

Wonder what will happen next.

The story isn't over, you are writing more of the story every day. This is the part of the story where the hero figures out that success wasn't all it was cracked up to be (we kind of knew that, there was foreshadowing) and there's something more hidden that he has to discover in the darkness.

Do you have a general goal or something you have your sights set on?

Any response, Flint, shows us you’re still here and encourages us to encourage you.
As UT says, can you identify an immediate goal? I am sorry that the mental health provision is poor where you are. Is there other online support you can access besides us? Hang in there, buddy, we’re on your side.


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Sometimes a simple goal like getting to work on time (easier said than done) is a giant leap forward.
Always keep in mind there is no answer, no magic solution, it's always one step at a time.