Smart Mouth Smarties
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down. • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • When chemists die, they barium. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. • Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. • This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore. • I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. • I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. • A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. • A will is a dead giveaway. • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. • Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. • Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now. • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired. • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. • He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. • When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye. • Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it. • Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end. |
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Two of my friends were arrested last night. One had swallowed a firework, the other one a battery. They charged one and let the other one off.
How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you. I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust. I just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday. I tell you what, never again. |
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