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-   -   Where is the line between loyalty to one's spouse and loyalty to one's self? (http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=12360)

BigV 11-09-2006 08:39 PM

Where is the line between loyalty to one's spouse and loyalty to one's self?
 
Where do you draw the line?

Who "wins" in case of a tie?

What is "winning"?

lookout123 11-09-2006 08:59 PM

i guess that depends on the issue. context?

Aliantha 11-09-2006 09:41 PM

If you have no loyalty to yourself, how can you possibly be loyal to someone else? I vote self.

xoxoxoBruce 11-09-2006 10:04 PM

Say, "Yes dear"....then do what you want. That's what my ex always did. :mad:

Aliantha 11-09-2006 11:57 PM

My hubby just says yes dear and lets me do what I want. I'm sure this is why we'll be together for a long time. ;)

fargon 11-10-2006 02:05 AM

My spouse is me, and I am her.

limey 11-10-2006 02:15 AM

I'm with lookout here, we need context, please ...

yesman065 11-10-2006 07:16 AM

No matter how loyal you are to your spouse in ANY situation, you must be true to yourself. It took me 17 years and everything I own to figure that one out. I am now happier than ever and actually LIVING life now not just existing.

Stormieweather 11-10-2006 08:21 AM

Having boundaries mean you are aware of and protect the lines where what is good for your spouse conflicts with what is good for you. A healthy relationship is like a seesaw of power. Each person must have the opportunity to be in the up (powerful) position. The length of time they remain in control of the outcome of 'ties' varies between relationships, but if their partner is never allowed to be the powerful one, the partner will eventually become resentful and defiant, so the relationship breaks down.

If you are referring to morals and values, presumably, the two of you discussed and agreed on these prior to committing to each other. I know I wouldn't marry someone who had the potential to rob a bank or abuse my children. So before I even allow someone into my life as a mate, I must know that we are on the same page in regards to our morals and values.

Everyone should know what they absolutely will not tolerate. In addition, they need to know what they absolutely cannot live without. Everything in between is negotiable and these compromises contribute to or detract from the balance of power.

The enormity of the compromises needs to be considered, as well. If Mr. A decides to move his family halfway across the country, Mrs. A should have the opportunity to make a choice of similar impact. I feel that this sort of thinking keeps a relationship balanced and partners rather than subordinate/superior.


This is my experience anyway. And it may be totally off base because, as others have said, no context for the original question was given.

Stormie

SeleneRati 11-10-2006 09:31 AM

All relationships are a compromise...you give some and you take some. It is a balance. Sometimes you have to do more giving than taking, but it usually shakes out in the end somewhere.

I find the choice of the word "loyalty" to be interesting. I expect loyalty from my husband. I am true to myself. However, I have certainly put aside my own wants (and sometimes needs) in favor of what was in the best interest of the marriage.

Agreeing with others here, context is needed.

Griff 11-10-2006 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV
Where do you draw the line?

Who "wins" in case of a tie?

What is "winning"?

If you can be loyal to each other the line doesn't need to be drawn. That is the great difficulty, creating a situation where both of you are more concerned with each others happiness than your own. If you hit that sweet spot you will both insist on the other being true to h(er)imself. ymmv

SeleneRati 11-10-2006 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV
Who "wins" in case of a tie?

What is "winning"?

Recently, Els and I were discussing with another married couple about fights. Something she passed along was this...if you are fighting to win, then you are fighting for the wrong reasons. You should be fighting to find a solution to your mutual problem. You fight FOR each other, not AGAINST each other.

Els and I are fairly competative people, against others and each other sometimes. We both like to win, and we both have a problem of always wanting the last word. However, this is often not in our best interest. I'm trying to remember to fight FOR the marriage and FOR compromise, and not to win. If I trust him and trust in his love for me, then I don't need to worry about winning because I know that he will always want what is in my best interests....and if he doesn't, I know where the frying pan and the super glue are. :D

lhatcher 11-10-2006 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stormieweather
The length of time they remain in control of the outcome of 'ties' varies between relationships, but if their partner is never allowed to be the powerful one, the partner will eventually become resentful and defiant, so the relationship breaks down

I was married for 23 years and never truly had any power. My objections or attempts at negotiation were met with discussion (more like lecture) until I saw his POV and agreed with him. Believe me, there was no winning. It was only a matter of time before I would agree just to get him to shut up. There was no agreement really, only a sigh and capitulation.

So one day I decided I was done, moved out the next day. Never felt a moment of regret. He was such a drain in my spirit.

Elspode 11-10-2006 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeleneRati
I know where the frying pan and the super glue are. :D

Hon? If its all the same to you, I'll cook tonight...

xoxoxoBruce 11-10-2006 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha
My hubby just says yes dear and lets me do what I want. I'm sure this is why we'll be together for a long time. ;)

Unless you promise to mail the check and don't, so he goes to jail. :rolleyes:


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