Cellar F.C.
 

Today is a glorious day. The funding has been secured, fields have been leased, and the coaching staff has been hired. Well, really he is only one guy and we found him wandering around in a corner of the cellar mumbling something about balls so we are going to assume he is qualified. Either way, today is the formal launch for Cellar Football Club. Cellar F.C. may be young and lacking in some refinements, such as players, equipment, skills, and the like but we are certain that she'll be the finest Football Club virtually anywhere.

Order of business today is to get our initial line up. As this project was started in another thread a couple of positions are already taken but there are plenty of choices left. So step right up and tell me your favorite position.


We'll need each of these positions filled and three subs for the bench.

We also need someone to design our shield, uniforms, and team motto. Our current motto Throw the game or we'll shank you seems to lack something.

Come on people let's get started. Everyone learns, everyone plays, everyone will receive a participation award.

I am soo freakin in - please please please can I play defense????
"Ball or the man NEVER both" is my motto. Usually its the ball, because I took out the man.. :D

I think you're missing a few positions: ROFL, RTFM and STFU

What's the position where you shoot the ball a couple times with a pump shotgun and maybe wrap up someone annoying in the net, leaving them to hang from the top bar of the goal crying like a girl?

I want that one.

Those positions will come into play once the games start, HLJ. Classic, you're in. Be prepared, you may have to move up to Dmid, though. Wolf, you are so IN. Try to use a concealable weapon though.

Come on folks, I really prefer an all volunteer team rather than draftees. The shock collars draftees are fitted with come out of our after game beer budget.

I love playing mid or FB - you can switch me back and forth. Oh, I'm a lefty too. I want LJ as the sweeper!

If LJ wants to play(which I hope he does) I've got my eye on that second forward position. I think having a mr incredible look-alike upfront might intimidate the CB's and keeper. That and I wouldn't trust him behind me. He'd be the type to run by and tug your shorts around your ankles.

good point, make the big guy a forward. He can run over or through the d-backs.

Back during the couple years I played for the school team in high school, the coach would always play me at right striker, and then put me into games (rarely) at halfback.

Hmmm. Well, I can slide the left handed/righteyed mutant to left forward and put good ol' SD into the right striker position then. I assume we won't be having any toe issues?

I am so arrogant that I'll be a player/coach. That means I can slot in as any of the open positions, although I prefer CM or RB.

If middies are all about tenacity, I'd like to nominate Radar, tw, and UG. More hustle than brains... ;)

That could be difficult. In my team structures the Mids must have excellent situational awareness, true understanding of the other team's strengths as well as their weaknesses, and above all an immense amount of flexibility. ;)

I'm in.

Is there a position where you can just kind of sit around and not be too aggressive?

not aggressive as in running away from the game or don't want to attack forward but i won't let anyone by me?

I'd suggest Waterboy..

The second one, I suppose.

I don't care as long as I'm on the left.....

It will be interesting to see whether it's easier to work with Cellarites or 6-year olds.

:lol2:


My money is on the 6 year olds

here's where we be then:


2 positions plus subs left to fill.

Subs:
Clodfobble/Keeper

OK. Just point me in the right direction and tell me whose ankle to kick.

I told you in the other thread, I'll be a keeper sub. I'm good at getting hit with stuff.

RB I'll glare at the stands until halftime. Nobody's talking shit about us.

OK, we need another mid and two subs. we can accept additional subs if we suddenly get more interest in joining this fine club. Don't fool yourselves into thinking this will be all glory with no work. I expect each of you to be training in your spare time. Every morning you should start with pushups, situps, stretches, and a brisk two mile run. When you arrive at practice be ready to work.

I'll get to work on setting some games up now. Get in shape.

I'm out.

No, no I kid, I kid the coach. I'm ready to work Sir.

:haha: Nice. Give me two laps.



Yeah, seriously.;)

I played rugby for 12 years I guess I could learn to keep my hands off with practice.

So many jokes. So little time.


Clodfobble is our only sub at the moment.

I'm in of course.

Who we gonna play? And where's the rule book?? ;)

Wait, I can't do this... when I played we had four forwards!

I'm on the bench with Clodfobble.

Here's the deal, I've gotten our schedule and I'm not going to lie. It looks tough. There are some pretty strong teams in the division, but League Management believes this is where we belong. They believe it and I believe it. I've been watching the progress you've all made in practice and I like what I see.

The bad news is our first game is tomorrow. We have a 12:05 first touch so get your rest, get a good carb load, and no sex tonight. Yes Merc, that means keep your hands off too. We are playing the third place team from last session, The Devilish Decimals. They're a bunch of accountants from the IRS building downtown. For that reason let's all make sure not to let Radar in the stadium.

As I said, first touch is at 12:05. That means I will be accepting PM's up until that point from anyone (OPEN TO ALL DWELLARS, NOT JUST THOSE PLAYING ON THE TEAM) who can be arsed to send one. in the body of the message, not the greeting line, enter a score and one or two game highlights you would like to see happen. (please no alien invasions, I think getting all of us dwellars on one field is fantasy enough) I will open one and one only picked at random. That will be the final score of the game when I make my match report.

We will have a 10 game season. Weeks 1-8 will be regular games. Week 9 will be semi finals, Week 10 will be Championship or Consolation depending on outcome of the semifinal. Of course, the season could be called off due to weather, money, hemerhoids, or lack of participation.

Get some rest team.

In that case I'm already being subbed out :(

All I can say is play hard.

and quit lying you know that should be a smilie, not a frownie face.

I'll give you that one, err rather you're right! :D

In which time zone are we playing? I'm preparing for jet lag.

Show me the money! :eyebrow:

In my day I developed a fine kick technique. Which worked out when I went into goal, cos I took all the goal kicks. LR, when I've got the ball on my foot, go long. Just take off.

and no sex tonight.

http://www.uniquepeek.com/viewpage.php?page_id=2092

I'm afraid I'm not fit enough to play on the field. But I have great experience in barracking the ref from the terraces and am happy to lead the other supporters in any number of terrace songs.

I also volunteer to run on with a sponge and a bucket of water when someone gets hurt. And I'll cut up the half time oranges. Although these may be a feature of English amateur football, rather than worldwide.

Is there any sort of commitment of real world time to this effort? I like maximum return on my zero investment.

As long as I'm not required to actually *do* anything, I'd love to be a sub. Or I could just clean up the streamers and chaff from the field after the riot.

I don't have a soccer ball, so I spent about 15 minutes kicking a basketball against the living room wall (barefoot, of course). I would have done longer, but I was told to "go outside and kick a tree."

Now my big toe hurts.

And I'm ready to learn this game you call football.

Excellent, excellent. SG you are the official President and Director-at-Large for Cellar F.C. Supporters' Trust. If there is any dispute or cause for concern to the supporters about the way Cellar F.C. is performing or operating you will be the liaison. In addition your experience will be needed in the stands. American sports fans don't create songs for players and teams, they scream, shout, and whistle. We need you to teach them how it's done. You may also be called upon to get the bucket and sponge, but I believe we have a true iron man squad so it should be unnecessary.

Orange slices rock regardless of your accent. Unless you are allergic, then they suck.

Elspode, Cellar F.C. is a very serious organization and it will require a high level of commitment. I believe the same level of commitment you have shown the "labrat's ass" thread should suffice. You may either be a sub (but no grabassing) or you may be Sundae Gal's assistant (grabassing encouraged).

Well done HLJ. build up those callouses.

Last bit of business: I really do need PM's with scoreline scenarios. At this point I have only response and that pretty much eliminates the "chosen at random" portion of this endeavour.

Hey coach, any chance of getting a female with a hot looking ass to play in front of me.

My favourite football chant was from the Bolton/Bury derby. The two towns have an intense rivalry but Bury became contained within Bolton on some issues: like for example postal districts. Both towns have a postcode beginning with BL.

The Bolton fans: " There ain't no L in Bury!...So why are you using our postcode?"

Can't fault it.


[eta] that last sentence is a common manc statement of approval.

Here I be, in the keepers goal
Seeing, no friendly faces, from this hole
My team consists, as any keeper knows
Of ten jerseys, with assholes & elbows

My favourite local chant is when Aylesbury play High Wycombe. Wycombe is bigger, closer to London and has better facilities. But it's still in Bucks - of which Aylesbury is the County Town.

So the fans sing, "County Town, you wish you were, County Town, you wish you were..." (to the tune of Tom Hark by the Piranhas)

It makes me giggle because it's so petty.

Assignment for the weekend: Come up with a pump-up-the-team chant to this music. Or better yet, this.


UT: your request was noted.

two and a half hours til first touch. This is our starting 11 and I feel good about things. We've got age and experience up front. Strength and stability in the center with speed, finesse, and stamina on the wings. Our centerbacks are strong, solid, and brutally unafraid of anything that might be thrown at them. We have a left back with the desire to charge forward when he can but the wisdom to cover his defensive duties. Our right back tends to be a little shy early on, but I think he'll warm up to the situation and once he does... what a thunderous right boot.

Those Devilish Decimals can be tricky though. They are IRS agents so watch yourselves. They can be smiling right in front of you and yet still manage to raid your back door without so much as a thank you.

That's it. Everyone hydrate, lace up your boots, and relax for a bit.

Boots?

This will be fun. I've never played football before - or even watched.

looks all arse about face to me too.

Since all the spots are taken, I'll settle for encouraging articulations for our team and cutting epithets to the opponents and game officials.

Yes boots. And get them polished before the first game so we can look smart. Shirts tucked in. Clean shaven. Eat well and hydrate up. I hate the IRS.

As I mentioned before I felt really good about our chances going into this game. The team is a little on the raw side, having not played together before, but I believe all the pieces are there. Speed, power, sarcasm… what more could a coach ask for?

The stands were surprisingly full. Whether they were mostly gawkers or not, I’m not sure, but Sundae Girl did a magnificent job organizing the supporters’ section. I didn’t understand all the words to some of the songs, so she can fill us in on that later. It was a very unexpected, but pleasant surprise, when LJ stumbled in half drunk wearing Elton John sunglasses and a straw hat, right before the whistle. He was escorted by the ever lovely Jinx and Ducksnuts. There was a rumor that Razzmatazz was going to make an appearance but I didn’t see her.

Anyway, 12:05 came and it was off to the races. The DD’s started right in attacking from the opening moments. Our team looked tentative as everyone tried to settle in and work together. To be honest I was a little concerned with HLJ’s insistence he didn’t need shoes and Merc’s preoccupation with Dani’s ass. But after a few minutes our team stretched out and began to show promise. The DD’s were passing nicely and pushed down our left. Somehow they got around Classic but fortunately Wolf rushed up to clear the ball. Unfortunately, there was a bit of a tussle and the DD’s forward was cleared nearly as far as the ball. So the first real threat of the game came as the DD’s had a free kick from just outside and to the left of the box. Bruce did an excellent job of screaming and yelling for a wall to be formed. The set up looked good but the DD forward really smashed it. It hit Merc, who was standing in the wall, and deflected to UT who was just about to clear it when out of nowhere HLJ ran up yelling “I’ve got it, I’ve got it!”. Unfortunately UT was in full swing and couldn’t stop it and HLJ wasn’t stopping. When they collided the ball came off HLJ and fell into the net just out of Bruce’s reach. Goal. Own goal, in fact. Not exactly the start we wanted for our season, but oh well.

After Bruce screamed at the players for the mistake and UT’s color returned to normal we lined everyone up and got back to it. Sleeve made a nice little back pass to Merc who slid it outside to Dani. She cut in and switched it to the right where Ratter was wide open. Rat blasted it straight at the keeper who deflected it back into Merc’s path. GOAL!!! Everyone was jumping up and down with excitement, we had actually scored our first goal! Merc, bless his heart, was so excited that he was running over to the bleachers to cheer with SG and Elspode when to our horror he was distracted by the DD’s little DD left winger. He was so busy staring at her that he didn’t even see the DD mascot, Decimal Dildo, until it was too late. They collided with a resounding thump and down they went. The mascot was ok, but Merc got up mumbling something about restarting his engine. He was out.

I asked Clodfobble to go in for him, but she refused to play anything but keeper. I asked Bruce to move up but he pouted and said that he brought his new gloves for the game so he was staying in the goal for at least the first half. I Couldn’t argue with that logic, really. So without much choice, I coaxed UT up to forward, Sleeve into Right Back, moved Classic into center mid and I took over Left back duties.

UT looked nervous up front but he did his job well. Classic really stepped into his midfield general role quite well. He and Glatt formed a good partnership in there and started to boss the game. As one moved forward the other would drop back in support. At one point Glatt had the ball with two DD’s baring down on him so he made a neat backpass to Griff who one touched it outside to Sleeve who took two steps before booting it downfield to the sprinting Rat. She took a touch to gain control then kept dribbling straight up the wing. UT moved over into the center and Glatt moved up to form a neat triangle. Rat passed out to Glatt who lofted it right up into the box where UT shoved the defender aside before heading it home. GOAL!!! This time everyone calmly walked back to the line, very wary of the dangerous DD dildo.

After the restart HLJ slid straight into his opposite number and came away with the ball. Classic and UT sprinted down the center with the ladies moving up the wings. The DD defense looked to be completely overwhelmed, as two converged on HLJ he slid it out to Dani who crossed it straight in for UT’s second header. GOAL!!! (Or HOME RUN!!! As LJ bellowed drunkenly from the bleachers) Now it is 3-1 with two minutes left in the half. Rat slammed a nice outside shot in off the post after cutting in around their left back. GOAL!!! 4-1 going into the break.

SG came down holding a big bag of oranges and slapping Elpode’s hand and telling him “not now”. Clodfobble was ready to play but only as a keeper. Bruce refused to play in tandem with anyone else so I was forced to change the structure. We moved to a 4-5-1 set up with Bruce as the sole forward and UT floating behind him. HLJ was looking tired so he moved to Left Back and I resumed my spot on the sidelines. We had a bit of trouble as Dani tried to organize a union on the sideline insisting that a 4-1 scoreline was unjust and asking if we couldn’t just add all the points together and then distribute them as needed. The rest of us shouted “NO!” and then it was back to the game.

I think the shine had come off the game a bit for the DD’s because they started playing a bit more cynically. There were a few harsh challenges but our team held up well. Bruce scored one, but it was disallowed due to an offside call. He argued with the ref about stupid foreign rules and was warned with a yellow card. Soon after the other team pulled back a goal from a blinder of an outside shot, bringing the score to 4-2. The DD’s got a little pep back after that and charged hard. One of their midfielders took Griff down pretty hard in the box, but there was no call given. Just a few minutes later it happened again. Griff seemed to take it in stride but Wolf was less than pleased I think. As the midfielder ran by her, Wolf stuck her elbow out and took him clean off his feet. If that wasn’t enough to earn a PK, holding her finger out to him and shouting “Bang!” certainly was. Poor Clodfobble couldn’t have stopped the penalty shot if her life depended on it. 4-3 with eight minutes left.
The DD’s really came on strong after that. It was a very tense ending to the game. Griff charged forward and nearly scored only to be denied by the goalpost. Rat and Dani had a nice series of switches but we couldn’t capitalize on it because Bruce was up front on his own. I’m hoping he’ll learn to work with his team a bit better from this but I’m not sure. He was demanding more money if I expected him to run. UT had settled back and was playing some excellent holdup play but the team looked tired. Sleeve did make one excellent run up the right side in support of the attack only to be scythed down under a questionable tackle.

All said and done I am extremely pleased. For our first game things came together quite well. We have some things to work on but that is what practice is for. I think some work needs to be done with the support as well. They were very boisterous in their first half singing but I noticed it kind of died off at the end. Last I looked, LJ was holding the bag of oranges in one hand and slugging a 40 with the other. It appears that Elspode was quite distraught at his failure to convince Jinx and Ducksnuts that a wet tshirt contest was in order, so SG took him behind the bleachers for some sympathy.

Well done, team. Hit the showers, get some ice on the muscles. Tomorrow is another day.

5:00 +2 day shadow here - I'm a Fullback GDit!! No tucking in of shirts, ratty old boots and an attitude to match - Eff the IRS! I'm takin out the first one of them effers within range. Then I'll smile and say "Welcome to football, Celler style!"


(I might even spit in their general direction as I walk away...)

Thanks to HLJ for some of the details. His PM was picked at random this time around.

Great write up! Very exciting. Did we win?

The man's a genius.


btw, when do we get our contracts?

We won 4-3.

Contracts will be reviewed, considered, and maybe even offered at the end of this season.

HLJ, you really threw me with some of the details I had to include. Good job.

Awesome - congrats all - see you at practice - or the bar, more likely the latter.