I said to Dani and Limey yesterday - it's like breaking up with someone.
Hurts like buggery. But this time you know it's going to go on forever.

We might only have spoken once a fortnight.
PM'd weekly.
Interacted on here every few days.
But now everything I see and everything I do I just want to share with her.
I think "Bri would love this!" or "That would make Bri laugh!"
I know I thought those thoughts before, but I also know I never thought them so continuously or consistently as I do now.

And one of the jarring things is that when things are wrong in my life I come here for advice, for comfort and the occasional slap upside the head (sometimes right, sometimes annoying.) But the situation is reversed here. Here everyone is mourning Trilby. It's not my own personal grief that I can just spill out and have everyone hug me. She wasn't mine to grieve about alone.

And at home, there's no-one I can share it with. I'm not at work, the 'rents are in Spain (although Mum has been lovely on the phone), my sister is not talking to me and my brother wouldn't understand.

Sorry. This isn't poor me, poor me (pour me another.)

As I said before, Limey and Mr Limey are letting me stay with them next week, so it will all be different. But even then I will want to document it. She really wanted to see Arran. We were going to tramp round every damned site of historical interest on that island. At least until we got tired of standing stones not revealing a gruagach to us and finding somewhere with a real open fire instead. But she won't be here to see it or read it or write one of my phrases down in her notebook for future use.

Will have to ask the Limeys of a suitable way to honour her traditionally. And if it involves a libation I'll buy a miniature and pour it empty.
If not, I'm going to buy a bloody Chinese Fire Lantern and write my love for her before it burns. She'd have laughed at me borrowing from other cultures to find some meaning.

I was thinking this morning...so many things popping into my head...

Jim you said you think bri knew you loved her...i know she knew. Your usertitle, dude! It's such a trilby phrase she said to you. Given with her witty love.

Sundae, you were so close with her. I know this hurts so much for you. I'm glad you're going to limeyville...hang out with some good souls.

I hope everyone is hanging in there. I think, for a very long time, we'll keep expecting to see a very trilby-esque post. I will so miss her.

This is very sad news. My deepest sympathy to her sons, family and each of you who cared about here, here in the Cellar.

She was honest and real. I hope that she is in a better place and enjoying every moment of it!

Ciao Bri/Trilby/Claudette...may you have peace, and be surrounded by love, beauty and grace, wherever you are.

So true.

I agree with plthijinx. Too much death. I'm still wearing a mourning button for my father, and my uncle passed a few days later. But they were both in their 90's so that is expected.

Brianna (and I will always remember her as that) was one of the dozen or so people from the Cellar that I 'knew'. I liked her spirit, and the way she argued.

I am very sorry for you loss, Danny and Taylor. I enjoyed reading your mom's posts, and I am sorry I never got a chance to meet her. One great thing about the Cellar is that it's an archive. Brianna's 'letters', the part of herself she shared with everyone, will stay here.

When my mother passed away a few years ago, her Rabbi came up and wrapped a red string around my left wrist. It turns out he also studied Kabbalah and did it to protect us from evil. I'm not much for mysticism, but I did find some comfort in knowing that someone went to the trouble to do that.

I don't propose to give you any red string, but know that I pray that you can move forward in peace. Since I pray so infrequently, maybe it will get noticed. May G-d shelter you and give you comfort.

I just read the new Cellar tagline, and I've got tears in my eyes.

That was lovely Rich.

The tagline is touching.

I just want to say how much I appreciate the kind words and the appropriate reaction you have all had toward this tragedy as it is very similar to my own assessment of the situation. My brother and I are heartbroken that we have lost our best friend, our confidant, our kind adviser, the most loving person we have ever known. She would overdraw her checking account and drive across the country if I needed to be bailed out of jail. She would cook my favorite meal all day long even if I was just stopping by for a few hours. She would research things to help me in school, even though the internet wasn't her strongest skill. She would lie to me when I needed it. She was so in touch with my feelings she could read my emotion based on the tone of my "hello" on the phone. She was AMAZING. God will I miss her. I hope to adopt and embrace all of her qualities as a person but use my experiences to overcome any destructive addiction as well, in Claudette's name. She will always live forever in my heart as the most beautiful, intelligent, and caring woman I have ever known. I treasure all of your words about my mom, thank you all again, so very much.-Taylor

PS: I apologize if you are freaked out when Trilby continues to post. Claudette's life does live on through me and Dan.

That is beautiful. Of course i am not surprised that Claudette raised such kind, caring, and smart guys. She loved you both so much. Thank you for your post. Please continue to post if and when you want to.

Fitting since she lives on in our hearts too

Well said, Sarge!

Would it be wrong or somehow seem odd to suggest that you could even make your own user name and continue to visit us Taylor and or Danny? I'm sure a lot of people would draw comfort from your presence, and you may find you feel the same.

Your Mum was very much loved on this site. I am sure you know that though. I feel very sorry that you are going through this all at such young ages. xxx

Taylor, Danny, please do continue your presence here.

A couple of thoughts:

I'm about Trilby's age and I lost my Dad when I was pretty young. I miss him terribly still, but though the heat of that grief has cooled, I do still wish I knew more about him. Things like what he said, how he was as an adult (especially now that I'm an adult), since I only knew him as Dad. I don't have a lot material to work with here, some pictures, some second hand stories. Naturally I love those, but their not his voice. Trilby most definitely left her voice here for all to see, as richlevy pointed out above. I don't know how much hanging out in the cellar you've done up to now, but I assure you your Mom's presence is considerable.

Additionally, she had many friends here. Friends who I am sure would be happy to talk to you about her, in public, like these posts, and in private. I don't know how much she talked about us, but we knew a bit about you, and from us you might learn about her. Assuming you want to. We're here, we'd love to have you here too.

I hope you and your family are getting by ok, I know it's tough. **hugs**

Thank you for posting, Taylor, it's a big help to us to know you guys realize how special she was. Sure, everybody's Mom is special to them, but you've convinced me you know she was more than just a loving mom, she was a loving human being.

i'm somber. i'm numb. i thank you deeply for posting about your mother. i know it's hard. my heart bleeds for you. but rest assured, your mother was well liked and loved around here and will always dwell in the cellar!

Taylor and Danny,

I enjoyed your mother's friendship - she was a beautiful person who had the gift of making everyone else happy just by being in her company.

A few Christmases ago during a Cellar Cookie Exchange, I sent her a batch of my Mother's Christmas cookies - I take some comfort in knowing that the warm memory of the simple joy we shared will far outlast the pain and shock of learning she has passed on.

I thank God for people like Brianna. You were blessed to have such a mother and I was blessed to have her as a friend.

Just a thought...

Does Juniper know about this?

Didn't she meet up with Brianna in real life? Should we try to contact her?

Thank you
 

I am, as my sign-on states, Trilby's sister. She told me many times about this great on-line community. She enjoyed communicating with you all very much. I want to especially thank Bruce XOXOXO for the flowers and Cherry for her kind message on my sister's phone. I will never stop missing her but at least now she is at peace. Thank you all for caring about my sister. It makes it a little easier knowing she had so many friends. BTW, my other sister, Melissa and I have the cats; so Spiderman is safe!

Would you be comfortable letting us know, in general terms, what happened? Theres some speculation, but I've been leaving that question unanswered in my mind until I hear from someone who knows. Its fine if youre not, and thank you for posting at all, but if it is something you care to share, I would like to know.

Very sorry for your loss. I miss her v. much.

That right there (v. used as short for very) is something that she taught me, and will always remind me of her....

There are a number of things I will forever associate (in a positive way) with Claudette.
100 pound boxes of cucumbers and math problems are on the list.

Oh yes, she's well woven in the fabric of the Cellar. I didn't know how hard it is to chuckle with a lump in my throat. :o

I'm grateful to hear from more of her real-life family members. It is really very kind of you to come here and share her memory with us, these random people on the internet that your sister/mother was so important to. We've talked before on the board about whether anyone in our real lives would know to inform the Cellar if anything ever happened to one of us, and the answers were mixed. But you have gone above and beyond, and allowed us to grieve right alongside you. So thank you for that.

Her acerbic wit was second to none. I have always thought of her any time I saw a suit jacket with elbow pads, and I suspect I always will.

Yeah. As the others have said: thankyou so much for posting here.

None of us need to tell you how special she was, but we'll say it anyway, because she was. And I don't think there's dwellar here who doesn't feel the loss of one of our own. It is surprisingly comforting to hear from her family, and to be included in that grieving.

I'm guessing you and her sons probably won't want to trawl through the whole boards, so there's a lot you probably won't see. So, I'll post a link here for you, to the poem I wrote for Tril. And thank you again for allowing us to share this part of her life with you.

X Dani

http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=28746

I want to thank you as well for your kindness in communicating with us. Claudette was very kind to me during a crisis last summer - everyone here was, but she was able to share personal experience and was incredibly supportive and generous. I'll always appreciate that and cherish having had the chance to know her.

I feel so priviliged to get a chance to communicate with all of you. You may have never 'met" Claudette, but I believe you saw her true face here. DanaC, thank you for the beautiful poem. Claudette would have loved it. As to your qustions, I don't mind sharing what I know. On March 7, at around 4PM, my parents went to Claudette's house because they had not been able to contact her all day. She had passed away in her bed. The police were called and made a presumptive cause of death as a drug overdose. An autopsy was preformed and the results will take about 6 weeks. Those are the "facts", if you will. As to whether or not it was planned; family members differ in their opinion. Her sons believe it was an accident. Personally, I believe Claudette planned to kill herself. There was no note. In our last phone call, she told me not to feel guilty about bringing Autumn into her life. She said "don't feel guilty about anything". None of you should feel guilty about not stopping her. I am the one who should have been there, but I failed. Yet, I wonder if anyone could have saved her. She never saw how amazing she was; how gifted. My life is now very sad and monochromic. So many things we will never do; never go "across the pond", never go back to Cape Cod, never see another movie. However, going on about it won't change it. I must learn to live without her. Thank you for letting me see some of her old posts and for all your kindness.

Hi Claudette-sis,

I tried so very hard to make it to her memorial and meet you too, but it just wasn't going to happen. But I am currently in your state and Claudette crosses my mind frequently. Particularly when I see all these huge trees down and remember her back yard woes. And I'm very glad you have Spiderman. I had visions of that cat making another of her famous bids for freedom and then coming back days later to find no-one there.

She will always be with you in your heart Trilby's Sis, and no one can ever take that away from you. I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:

I'll post this in the Arran thread, where it will sit chronologically.
But for those who will only ever see this thread, this is how Limey and I remembered Claudette.

Bri always said she wanted to come to Arran. We promised eachother we would go together, in summer, and sate ourselves on history until it was time to stuff ourselves stupid on locally sourced food.
So Limey and I had to at least visit some standing stones to say our farewell.

The weather was grim. Not pouring with rain, but constant and chilly and enough to make it feel like a pilgrimage, not a stroll in the park. Perfect. I did not just want to leave flowers by the side of the road, I wanted something that Claudette-alive would have participated in, or at least appareciated.

Limey read the poems posted on the Cellar. With expression and sensitivity.
I'm not sure I could have got through them.
I had a speech all planned. Lots of refs to poems. But in the grey morning it occurred to me that the person I could have pointed them out to, the person who would have laughed at my temerity, was dead. So I settled on only two.

As I poured a libation of vodka on Bri's pebbles I referenced a line from Louis MacNeice's Snow.
"I peel and portion a tangerine and spit the pips and feel the drunkenness of things being various."
And as we left I remarked to Limey that there is now a part of Arran that at least in my memory will be forever American.

I sang through a closed throat.
Crowded House (of course).
How Will You Go.
In this youtube clip ignore the second track.

Claudette's stones.
More in the Arran thread later.

Oof.

Thanks, Sundae, thanks Limey.

Very nice, I think she'd approve.
The motorcycle reminded me of the first picture I saw of her.

That was the sort of wonderful coincidence she would have approved of.
Before hoying off to Arran I bought two Kinder eggs, one for me and one for her. Mine was some sort of bird with long plastic tail "feathers". I let Diz mangle it.

The one I bought for Claudette got similarly mangled in my bag between Aylesbury-Luton-London-Glasow-Arran. Limey understood and kindly added another to her shopping. Oh, the mangled one contained a jigsaw. Complete pants.

So when we split the egg in our own kind of communion (one Bri would have wholly sanctioned) we were gratified to find something which related to her life. Claudette as an eternal youth, titties out, red hair, what-you-lookin-at attitude. Which is why we left the bike (and a shard of choc from each half.)

Damn. Not sure I'll ever be done crying for our never realised future.
There are so many things I saw for her eyes.

Ah, they're chocolate shards... brown and white... from Kinder. Perfect.
We can't buy them here, federal law... but I have a case coming.;)

I sent Bri a Kinder Santa in her Christmas box. It was opened and smashed about by.
She said:
I intended to send her prizes for the rest of her life, the shards were a token of my love for her.

I haven't the words, but the feelings are there. Thank you Sundae.

Thank you, Sundae.

Very nice. I've always wanted to visit England myself and visit one of the stone sites. There are so many to choose from.

I remember the motorcycle picture. Bri was such a babe in it.

I wish I'd saved it to my hard drive. (<-- heh heh heh he said hard drive)

But I bet my favorite truck scale repairman did. ;)

Thank you, Limy and Sundae, for the wonderful memorial to my sister. I think I feel her smiling. I would like nothing better than to come and see it sometime. I hope Limy is doing better. We are (sort of) coping here, but the sadness will never leave us.

:'( {{{HUGZ}}}

I just found out my deepest condolences to her family, friends and cellar family.

*mouring

Oh no...this is very very sad news.

Taylor, Danny and Trillby's sis, I am so sorry to hear this about your dear mom and sister. I always loved reading what she had to say here and on Facebook...her sense of humor and way with words was just incredible.

Sundae and Limey, what a beautiful memorial!

To Trilby's Sister ... when she was first having her troubles at work, she shared them with me. I remember her being surprised that I didn't smack her and say, "bad nurse!" I was never sure, but I think some of those conversations led to her stepping up rather than trying to conceal what was happening.

I appreciated and supported her courage, and her unending interesting in the world, but she was too fond of Sylvia Plath. Regardless of what the ME ends up saying, I'm going with accidental in my heart. For one thing, she was overmedicating a pain so deep that observers, even close ones, can't understand. Second, I don't see her taking off without more clearly saying her piece, having the last word.

Cheers, Wolf. We tried to do her justice.

Spoke to Trilby's sister tonight. Gosh, she sounds like her. And is kind and considerate and stable (I shouldn't sound surprised by that, but the lady just lost her sister. And the sister was Brianna.) Thanks darling.

I miss you, Bri.

Me too. No one could turn a phrase like she could. Its been 7 weeks. Her son Taylor graduates from Ohio State in 9 days.

don't we all?

He won't graduate alone, Bri will be on his mind and in his heart, just like us.

Please give him my congratulations. :)

Love and luck Taylor.
She'd have been so proud.

It's a huge credit to him that he's still on track after what he's been through recently and is continuing to go through.

Well done. I hope we get to see some pics of the big day. Maybe Aunty can take care of that for us?

Please give my congratulations and best wishes to Taylor as well.

Ach damn, poor kid. That's so hard. Damn he's done well though, to hold it together and graduate in the midst of it all.

His mum would be so proud. I can almost imagine the posts she'd have made about it on here.

Missing her here as well.

Trilby's sister sent me some of her things in remembrance. One was a figurine of a cat which reminded Trilby of her own cat.
Here is is sunning himself on my kitchen windowsill in good company.

I went to see a medium and Claudette came through.... (The medium said "who is it who had all the cats?") Anyway, Claudette said she was very happy in the spirit world and that she loved us all very much. Maybe it's hokey, but it made me feel better.

'Who is it who had all the cats?' I like that. In fact that's just a teeny bit perfect :)

I was daydreaming the other day. What's new?
Lottery-dreaming.

It's much less fun without Bri.
I care about many people on here, but I so wanted to take her to Wales; to Cardiff and the Valleys and the West coast. To places where Welsh is still the first language. I never even sent her The Chronicles of Prydain, which I always meant to.

If I'd known how short a time I had I'd have moved heaven and hell to go see her. Taken on three jobs at a time to make the plane fare. And that's not just hindsight - I had 3 jobs to get myself back on my feet before. And I lost 4 stone in 4 months to get the money to go to a friend's wedding. Short-term I can be very focussed.

Short term only though.
And I didn't know this was a short-term thing. My bad.

I miss her.

I know. I miss her many times everyday. It's like my world used to be in color and now it is in black and white. There are so many things I thought we would have time for. We were sort of waiting for my dad to die (God forgive me!) so we could use our inheritance to travel. I always thought there would be time for that. But, obviously, we were so wrong.

I know Taylor and Danny really miss her. Taylor posted to Facebook about her. He said "My beautiful mother has achieved the ultimate peace. Her love for my brother and I will endure forever in our hearts. Her contributions were significant, she was essential to my development, and I will always thank her for providing me with her intelligence. I love you mom, for all time. Someday soon I'll be an angel like you." I asked him what he meant by "someday soon", but he didn't answer. I know he is OK until graduation, which is this Saturday. I'll have to watch out for him.

Don't beat yourself up about not seeing her. She wouldn't want that. Sometimes I almost feel I hear her whispering in my brain. I don't know how you feel about spirits, but try to listen for her. You two were very close. She would try to comfort you if she could.

I got over the anger, but still highly annoyed. Tempted to buy a Ouija board and tell her, too. :blush:

Still sad. I miss her ...

My loss is less than what others have suffered, but she was so good to me when my world had fallen apart. I think of what she'd say when things go well, or badly. I'll never forget her.

Yeah. She was a wise bird was Tril. i do find myself still occasionally half thinking of her possible response when I post something I know would resonate with her. It's only momentary, but just for a millisecond I have to remind myself.

Hope Taylor and Danny are going to be ok. Glad they've got you watching out for them, Tril's sis.