[alphageek31337]

from http://www.somethingawful.com (copy/paste it, I don't feel like going advanced)

"I love my daughter in concept, but the fire of hell will consume her soul in the afterlife and she will deserve it for her transgressions against the Lord." - Keyes addressing a Kindergarten class in Peoria about his homosexual daughter.

"I am sure most of you have seen photos of the mass graves at Sobibor, Treblinka, and Dachau. Miniature versions of these same scenes are repeated on a weekly basis in the alleys behind abortion clinics. And by miniature I mean that there are as many dead humans but they are very small, like hobby scale Jews, only not Jews. Sometimes Jews." - Keyes at a luncheon for the Jewish Voting League in Chicago.

"God weeps for every child slain in an abortion clinic and so do the Jedi. They feel the disturbance. They hear the voices crying out and then being silenced." - Keyes speaking at a Star Wars convention at the University of Illinois.

"When people ask me about my view of evolution I show them this. Could random evolution have produced this? Could mere chance and circumstance have created such a wondrous and complex thing?" - Keyes speaking to a science symposium while holding up a Sony Mini-Disc player.

"My opponent claims to be black, of color, claims that he can understand the plight of the African American voter in Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen, I may not speak to any issues that concern you, but just look at him. I am like five times darker skinned than him. I win the blackness in this race. He barely looks Puerto Rican!" - Keyes speaking to random passerby outside a South Side Chicago McDonalds.

"San Dimas football rules!" - Shouted at the end of a particularly poorly received speech at Van Wilder High School, rivals of San Dimas.

"I want to crack them open and eat their brain. I want their brain right away. I want to be able to taste what they are thinking as their still-firing neurons slide down my throat." - Keyes on the freshness of puppies euthanized by a local animal shelter.

Fast Facts on Alan Keyes

Keyes attended a rally of the Ku Klux Klan in July of 2004 and actually set fire to an honorary cross. Although Keyes remained hooded throughout the rally he spoke at length on the subject of sending African Americans back to Africa. His personal assistant scheduled the event as a means of "reaching out to his base".

While visiting a hospital in Chicago, Keyes poured consecrated holy water on a patient in the terminal stages of AIDS and claimed that the man was a vampire. Orderlies physically restrained Keyes to prevent him from stabbing the man in the heart with a wooden stake.

When questioned by a Chicago Tribune reporter about the lingering debt Keyes has from his 2000 presidential bid Keyes began biting the woman's face. It took two members of Keyes' own staff using a combination of bullwhips and cattle prods to drive him away from the woman.

Keyes fell off of a platform and sprained his ankle while attempting to demonstrate to an audience in Springfield that God could imbue him with the power of levitation.

Keyes was arrested in August for "lewd conduct" in a movie theater on Chicago's West side called El Agujero Mojado. According to unnamed sources within the police department Keyes was caught being fellated by a transvestite prostitute who goes by the street name of "Hutch".

Keyes ran down a crippled orphan in a wheelchair with a bulldozer. He explained the incident as "part of [God's] plan".


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