we met with the psychologist today. i had seen her attitude grow more distant all week so it didn't come as a complete surprise but the finality of it still takes my breath away.
she tells the doc that she has made her decision. her final answer. he tries drilling down but she is a brick wall. we spent a couple of hours talking this evening. everything she says when she is just chatting and not talking "divorce stuff" is appropriate from someone who wants to make it work. but then she will stop in her tracks, realize that the walls came down for a bit and she will throw them right back up. so confusing. i told her that i think divorce is the wrong way to go, unnecessary, there is still hope... but i won't fight it anymore. if she has made her decision then she needs to go ahead and do what she says she wants to do.
very emotional afternoon and evening.
then we opened discussions about money. she said i could have all the money from savings. i said "no thanks, i just want half". she pointed out that i'll need money to put down on a new house. i pointed out that nothing was set in stone that she would be keeping our current house, but assuming she did i would want half the equity. her eyes popped as she realized that she may not be able to afford that size of a mortgage to get me the cash. then she said that she, of course, would need to keep the house so our son can have the continuity of living in the same home. it literally tore me apart to see her reaction when i asked if she really thought i was just going to be a weekend dad and leave him with her.
she mentioned that she had consulted a lawyer on monday (the day after i threw out all the alcohol) and he said we didn't have to go to court if we agreed on everything and just used him. i told her it was possible but not likely and i told her that an associate had referred me to a group effort called collaborative divorce. she didn't like the idea because it wasn't hers, but that is probably the route we'll go. she knows i don't care about money, houses, and cars, but i will spend every dime i plan on making in the next five years to make sure that my son has what i feel to be the best possible situation (outside of happy loving parents
)
on a side note she agreed to undergo a psych eval to investigate the possibility of a chemical or neurological problem - as long as i understand that even if she does have a problem and it can be fixed with medication it doesn't mean we are staying together.
you ever want to just squeeze some sense back into someone who isn't thinking clearly? no matter she has done, or might have done i still love her.
in an emotional moment she said that if we separate she may get out and find out how truly important i was too her and come right back. you don't go into a situiation planning on that. you exhaust all possibilities and then seperate.
ah, what do i know.