[Cyclefrance]

Another day another dollop (of spurious literary excellence):


The Charge of the Knights in Braid


Well, I am sure you have all heard of the ‘Knights of the Round Table’, of Arthur, Lancelot and Camelot, and of his naughty absconding wife Guinevere, of Excalibur and the magical Lady of the Lake. You have? Well, there wasn’t much point in going to all that trouble time and trouble of writing this paragraph then, was there! Just cut this bit off with a pair of scissors and bin it, will you – no point in leaving it hanging around when it’s of no real use.

Never mind, I suppose at least now it will not be so hard to capture your interest when I tell you about the legend of the Knights of the Inner Ring Road. ‘Inner Ring Road?’ I hear you question. That’s right, Inner Ring Road. And you thought the ring road had only existed since the age of the motor car, didn’t you? How wrong you have been, for the Inner Ring Road goes back many centuries to a time before King Arthur (who actually stole the idea when he came up with the alternative of the Round Table – typical) when the city of Londinium was under the control of the then king’s brother, an instantly dislikeable prince of a fellow, who went by the name of Leesum. Money was all he thought about, and, naturally, ways in which he might acquire it. His name has stayed with us today and is used to describe an expensive purchase – no doubt you have heard people say on such occasions when a high price has been paid ‘I wager he paid a Prince Leesum for that!’

Now Prince Leesum was keen to take advantage of the king’s absence (the king having gone to do battle, as kings always seem to do – no, I don’t know why, either), and in particular he was most unhappy at the number of citizens…- no, wait a minute… not citizens…. peasants more like - that just thought they could roam freely about the streets of Londinium, clogging up the thoroughfares, kicking up the mud and dirt, making lots of noise. IT JUST WASN’T RIGHT!!! He could get very worked up about it all given just a tenth, no a hundredth of a chance.

Like all good evil (see, you even get a first class oxymoron!) princely brothers, Leesum had his ne’er-do-well (aah, hyphens again, how pleasant) henchman, an equally nasty piece of work from the marshy, boggy areas to the east of the city, and a baron as well to boot.

‘Wasteland!’ called Leesum, for that was the Baron’s name (think about it!), ‘I have an evil idea, and I want it to turn into an evil plan, and from there into an evil action….’

‘Ooh, I’m your man, your highness. Please, please let me help.’ A real sycophant he was, brown noses just didn’t come into it – brown everything, if you ask me.

‘Hold your horses, Wastey, you haven’t heard what it is yet..’

But he was about to hear ALL about it, as the Prince revealed how he proposed to create a single ring of a road right around the city and then forbid anyone but the chosen few (and we know who would be doing the choosing, don’t we) to enter inside its boundary. Every one of the peasants would be forced to live on and around the outside of the ring road, it would be chaos. There wasn’t the space.

This didn’t stop Leesum though, and Baron Wasteland (get it now?) set about to do his bidding. The Baron’s despicable army of men were put to work, and they pushed and shoved and poked and dragged and threatened and bullied all the peasants to the outside of the city of Londinium that they loved so much (that’s the city, not the outside!).

The peasants weren’t happy. ‘Who can save us? ’ they cried (just like that all together, quite amazing, and quite spectacular too).

‘There is one …’
‘Who spoke?' A hush fell over the crowd.
‘Who spoke?’ They all asked as one (again, all together, more amazing stuff).
‘That’s right. Who spoke!’
‘Who?’
‘Yes. Who!’
‘Who? Who?’
‘Yes, Who!’
‘Well who would have believed it?’ Which of course he did. Up stood tall and large the owner of the information, Big Barry Who (when the Chinese say this they double over laughing! – and I bet for a moment there you thought there was another chap called Up, didn’t you – go on, admit it….), the local blacksmith.

‘Who, Barry, Who?’ they all cried (together, of course).

‘ I came upon a friendly knight, one day, whose horse had stumbled and appeared lame, but I knew it wasn’t a gonner as soon as I looked at it. With a bit of attention and a tap here and there, I had it walking again proper-like (peasants talk that way) in no time at all. The knight, Sir Culation his name was, a red-faced chap I recall, said he would pay me back in return. Well, I reckon this is it’

‘Brilliant idea!’ they all shouted (yes, you got it).

‘Then I will off and find him!’ - and he did!

Sir Culation lived out on the Great Weste Road, near the old town of Swyndone, a magical place if ever there was one (you can find out how magical if you read about the Magycke Ronde-y-boote elsewhere on this site*).

Barry told the knight his tale ‘Will you help us?’ he asked (I was thinking of saying begged, but Barry was not the begging kind).

‘Of course I will, but I must consult my lady first, as this needs wisdom and maybe a little magic to solve.’ And with that the knight fell and Barry had to go home in the dark (no, it/he didn’t really, but I couldn’t see how I was going to fit that one in anywhere, to be honest, so I thought it was best to get rid of it as soon as possible).

The knight did go, however and so did Barry, both their separate ways.

Now I expect you’re wondering who ‘my lady’ is, some bodiless arm floating out of a lake you are no doubt thinking. Afraid not! My lady was the magic fairy of Swyndone whom our goodly knight had chanced upon, finding her caught in a spider’s web. And being the exceptionally good knight (going so soon?) that he was, he released her from her gummy prison whereupon she promised to help him with any problems he might have as she was a very, very, very wise fairy indeed (and a nice one too, obviously).

The knight called her name: ’My Lady Nuff, I need your help’. He only had to call her name once – that was, how should I put it…. hmmm…. Nuff said!

‘How can I help you?’ The fairy’s little voice responded And he told her of the problem caused by Prince Leesum and Baron Wasteland.

‘Fairy Nuff – will you help me?’
‘Of course I will!'
That’s fair enough he thought to himself (or perhaps he thought that’s Fairy Nuff).
‘Yes, I am, aren’t I!’ she responded, because , when she wanted to she could read minds as well – what a clever little fairy girl she was!

She told him her plan. Sir Culation had many friends who were also knights and also friendly. She told him to gather his friends and, with their numerous followers, to form themselves into a formidable body of men, the Knights of the Inner Ring Road. So, not wishing to waste any more time than was necessary Sir Culation went off to gather his friends and to form their new Knight Club.

First there was Sir Cumference, he lived on the edge of town, in a caravan that he would move to a different place each night… wait a minute….

Look, I just wanted to stop a second or two and say, well, I am really, really sorry that this is turning out to be so long, It wasn’t intended that way, but the story kind of became more complex. Anyway, ‘keep with it’, is what I say, and I will do my best to make it worth your while. Now, where was I? Oh, yes…