[Cyclefrance]

(Part two)

Tiny phoned All-upstairs on the secure handset and explained his problem.

‘Well it’s fucking obvious isn’t, it!’
‘It is?’
‘Yes, you need to find something that will take over the public fucking interest much more than that bollocks of a ladle thing, leaving you to return the sodding spoon to the cabinet without anyone noticing. And, as it fucking well happens I think I have something in mind that will fit as snuggly as a prick in a condom!.’
‘Oh, I hope you have All-up….. I mean the idea, of course, not your thingy. Tell me what it is, please, please!’
‘I’ve just put the phone down on Gorgeous. Seems he has some oil price problems and a bit of trouble with a Middle Eastern dictator at the moment. Well, we all know that old Gorgeous is into oil big-time, and right now he’s losing a fortune - the price is right down the toilet. And that got me thinking.
‘Yes, thinking, go on…’
‘Well, we get old Brushy bollocks on board naturally as the first step, and then we go and buy up loads of oil while it’s cheap.’
‘Cheap, yes… and??’
‘And then we invade Sardine Who’s-a-pain’s country to liberate the people, of course. Are you following me or not?.’
‘Why would we do that?’
‘Obviously not! We do that because Sardine’s in the fucking Middle East, and so the invasion will cause the price to rise.’
‘Oh, I get it. So we then sell our oil – that’s brilliant…., but, hang on, then what?’
‘You really aren’t with it, are you? Once the invasion is successful – and there’s no way we can lose – the price will drop again, so we can buy up some more of the lovely stuff’
‘Yes, buy up some more, of course… er, why would we buy up some more….?’
‘Look, do try and fucking follow me will you? Once we’ve won, it’ll take some time to get things straight, so we stretch it out a bit, make it look difficult and then the rest of the world will wonder if we have made a mistake and that’ll make the price go through the roof again. That’ll give us the opportunity to sell a second time. And while all this is going on there will be loads of time to lose that fucking ladle.’
‘But I don’t want to lose the ladle….’
‘No Tiny, not lose as in lose, but lose as in conceal. And I wouldn’t mind betting there’ll be plenty more opportunities to lose lots of other irritating fucking little problems as well, while all this is going on……’
‘Hey, it’s really good – buy… sell… then buy again… then sell again. And lose a few problems as well. Yes, I really like it. Well done All-up. Let’s go for it! Now, where’s that phone….. tum-ti-tum… Oh, is that you Gorgeous…?

And the rest, of course, became WiddleMiddle history…!