[Elspode]

And that is the tricky part of all of this. Unintentional pain can and does get inflicted...but it gets inflicted in normal day to day relationship issues as well.

This isn't my first choice of paths, either. Its my wife's, because, while we are a damn fine couple in most ways, our sex life together hasn't exactly risen to the level of fulfillment of her needs. She's a pretty adventurous sort, far in excess of my own moves, and I respect that. Bottom line is, she's going to have her fun one way or the other. I think that she'd be perfectly happy with me sitting at home while she trotted it out, but *I* can't hang with that. It ruffles my sense of fair play. So, while I don't have any great desire (spiritual, philosophical) to be a Poly person, I do view the situation with equal amounts of enthusiasm and trepidation. We have, after all, agreed upon this, with rules and restrictions, in advance, so it is definitely not cheating.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I fully well recognize how intimately we bind, well, *intimacy*, with everything else that makes up a relationship between people. However, when one doesn't have any particular moral or ethical constraints against adults doing to each other what adults see fit to do, well...this is one of the things that can occur.

MTP, you're right...it most definitely *is* a self-image/confidence issue. When I'm not giving my wife everything she thinks she deserves, making her want more, then she feels as though *I* don't want her. She feels undesireable. Now, that may be her fault, or it may be mine, but as Pagans, a Poly lifestyle is viable and not unusual. We have a couple who has been Poly for over 20 years as very close friends, and so we have access to arguably the most open and successfully Pagan couple in our community for insights, advice, apocryphal and cautionary tales...the whole panoply. We did, in fact, spend several hours just a couple of weeks ago discussing our feelings with both each other and with them. We've already been through years of marriage counseling...in short, we're as prepared as we can be for the experience, and we are both veterans of Poly living.

I still like to hear what others think, especially non-Poly folks. Perspective is important. I'm not saying any of this to shock anyone or to unduly draw attention. Cellarites are my extended family, in a sense, and I value and look forward to your opinions.