[Sundae]

I was in the supermarket with a friend the other day, and sent him off to get me a jar of jalapenos. He came back with red ones, saying there were no green. As we were already near the front of the queue and it was my fault for forgetting in the first place, I took him at his word and bought them.

My mouth didn't notice much difference between red and green jalapenos. Neither did my digestive system.

My arse did.

Within six hours I was on the toilet every 20 minutes or so. The pain was so intense I thought that I would find the whole of my rectum hanging out when I went to wipe. In fact after a few sessions it did begin to pooch out a bit.

Even when I had finished on the toilet the fun wasn't over, when it all contracted back together again it hurt even more.

Basically I felt like someone has pulled my passage outside my body, sandpapered it down, rubbed it with vinegar and poison, then stuffed it back up inside again with a broken stick.

Don't tell me you meant emotional TMI now, please.