Inconsitencies stem from differing points of view. First off...what Mrs. Els doesn't play up too strongly, Gods love her, is my own issues with sexual inadequacy, serious erectile dysfunction from time to time, and the cumulative effect which that has on my rather standard male psyche. When, in a bout of frustration, I made the observation that I seemed to be more voracious about activity with her when we were involved with other people, her interpretation was that I simply did not find her attractive. Nothing could be further from the truth. She's hot, and to my eyes, always has been.
My issues are *my issues*. I do not really understand the reasons that I seem to try harder with her, or am more successful with her, when we are involved with others. I'm sure it is some psychological malfunction off of which a good shrink could base a paper. However, her take that she is not stimulating to me is a gross oversimplification, and does not reflect the way *I* feel.
As my own inadequacies gnawed away at my psyche, they took my libido with them. With no libido, I guess I felt like I had nothing to offer, and the intimacy suffered. I *do* understand how that makes her feel, but every time I attempted to engage in intimate activity with her, I was overwhelmed by my internal issues over my inadequacies, and it simply became less painful to me to avoid it. Less painful to me, more painful to her...and it wasn't fair.
It has never been my intention to mischaracterize anything. What I post here are *my* feelings and my points of view. I'm glad Mrs Els has put in her side. Believe it or not, we *are* a damn fine couple, with a few damn difficult problems in our lives together.
Mrs Elspode wants, paraphrasing her words, "someone to treat her like a girlfriend". I appreciate that, and I also realize that it is easier for someone who doesn't have to share the day to day difficulties of Real Life (tm) to provide that sort of attention. People who only get together for fun and frolic don't develop the same sort of emotional baggage that people who slog it out together day in and day out do. Still, we continue to pursue a more interactive relationship. We are a work in progress, and always shall be so.
Our concept of poly/open marriage/etc has fluctuated throughout our relationship. As I currently understand it, our marriage is open, not only because of my observation about me apparently drawing stimulation from our outside couplings, but because I simply wasn't putting out enough...not physically, not emotionally, not interpersonally. My understanding was that, even had I not perked up recently, it would be Selene's wish to seek those things outside of the marriage. I believe it is her entire right to do so. No one should have to live without physical warmth, intimate interpersonal exchange and emotional stimulation. It does help that neither of us have an inherent moral objection to such activities. I hope to remain perked up, as it were, but if she wants to continue in the open marriage mode, that's okay. If she wants to drop it, that's okay, too. As I've said, I'm not entirely secure about it, but I know that I've not fulfilled my responsibilities adequately in the intimacy area, and so I accept it.
Please recall that I said I have been ambiguous about all of this, and I continue to be so. Having my wife needing outside partners due to my inadequacies...be they physical, emotional, or otherwise...can be just as painful to me as my apparent response to outside partners is to her. We both have wounded self-images.
Here's what I know right now...we're closer, in better communication, more open and honest, and having a lot more sex - with each other - than we have in years. More details as they become salient.
