[CaliforniaMama]

I’m in need of a little moral support these days.

I am in the midst of a challenging family situation – namely the care of my aunt, who is 94.

She is still lucid and sharp, still in complete control of her body and brain, but she has a tendency to fall. She has a lady living with her and it is this companion that has made life challenging.

It is a situation where an elderly assistance agency matched them together – the companion has agreed to be available in exchange for a private room. The problem is that the companion is demanding more and more and they are really starting to get on each other’s nerves.

Recently the companion asked my aunt for the use of her car and when the family and attorney found out they had fits and all came running to me.

I will be my aunt’s executor when she dies and I’m pretty much her closest relative, other than her brother, who is also her best friend. So, I’m the one who gets to deal with my aunt and her problems. I am more than happy to step in here, but I don’t see what I can do when my aunt is in full control.

The agency is begging me to make this work, saying they probably won’t be able to find anyone else for my aunt.

The companion says things have to change or she’s leaving. She is demanding to be paid, saying the value of what she does is greater than the benefit she is getting (of her own room, separate entrance, meals supplied, use of computer and internet).

My aunt’s step-children say the companion must go, that she is dishonest and a danger to my aunt, that she is going to rip my aunt off, etc. They hate the woman. They believe the woman is coercing my aunt to do things she wouldn’t otherwise do.

The attorney doesn’t like the woman either and is keeping on eye on the financial end of things, telling my aunt to not give her any money, don’t let her sign checks, etc. He knows what’s in the will and would definitely let me know if my aunt all of a sudden changed her will in favor of this woman, which I don’t see happening any time soon.

My aunt is refusing to pay this woman for housecleaning, saying that if the companion wants to do it, that is up to her, but my aunt has another friend she pays for doing the cleaning and that’s the way she wants it to be. The companion is putting pressure on my aunt to pay her instead.

It goes on and on.

I thought I would be prepared for all of this after taking care of my mom in her last days, helping with my dad in his last days, caretaking for my paternal grandparents and helping with arrangements when they passed away, but in all of that I had not dealt with a cranky, sharp 94 year old who wants everyone to stay out of her business!
I’m willing to respect that, but there are limits. For instance, she is still driving and she really shouldn’t be. One side of my head says to wait until the Dept of Motor Vehicles yanks her license, but another part of me says to get her to stop driving now.

At this point I am kind of at a loss. I need to call the elder agency to try to get boundaries worked out between my aunt and her companion. I need to call the attorney to find out the legalities of this woman being here and what rights she has, plus I need to tell him that she’ll probably be around a while longer. I need to call the step-children and tell them the hated woman is not leaving any time soon and listen to their raging yet one more time.

And I need to deal with the fact that just asking my aunt to stop calling the companion’s stuff “junk” caused her blood pressure to sky rocket. She’s a tough bird, been through hell upside down and is not giving up. I admire that, but at the same time it is hard to deal with someone who is not going to stop her harping after a lifetime of honing that skill.