From
here
Five nicknames I would find unbearable
1. Li’l Plug
2. Baloney Maurice
3. Chicken Hitler
4. Penis McGarnicle
5. Nacho
Five hip-hop pseudonyms I’ve considered for myself
1. MC Chalk (because I’m brittle and very white)
2. Professor Adipose
3. Tavis D
4. Sedentary Larry
5. 2 Weak
Five favorite Hee Haw performers
1. Roy Clark
2. Junior Samples
3. Grandpa Jones
4. the cartoon donkey
5. Cathy Baker
Five nouns to which I enjoy prepending an unnecessary definite article
1. The Flickr
2. The AIM
3. The Jesus
4. The Google
5. The El Niño
Five potentially novel new year’s resolutions
1. authentically behave as though you’re living in an unending Ronnie James Dio song
2. renounce thermodynamics as prideful conceit borne of modern secular culture
3. eat only animals that have appeared in Richard Scarry illustrations
4. lick unused cutlery whenever people aren’t looking
5. finally finish building backyard shrine to Karen Black