Quote:
Originally Posted by grant
The men in my family are always mostly friendless (excepting a small hand-full of really close, but still at arms length, friends). I don't know where it comes from, but we have something ingrained in us that makes us think that needing people is a weakness and being warm toward people is dangerous. We can come off as cold, distant, sober, ..., (I think you get the idea).
We know that belief is bunk, but it is very effective at keeping us closed off. And when we manage to turn it off we're pretty solid people persons.
My maternal grandfather, his son (my uncle) and myself are the most extreme examples of this. We don't speak unless we have something to say, and even then we might not say anything.
It's hard for people who aren't intimately familiar with the way men in my family are to grasp this. This is fine for my grandfather he's been married to my grandmother for 50 years, and for my uncle who's on his second marriage, but for me...
Let's just say I'm not entirely happy with my relationship situation. And I think it's mostly due to this personality characteristic. It's so ingrained that I'm sure there's no way to remove the trait from myself, so I'm just looking for ways to minimize the impact it has on my day-to-day interactions.
I was going to ask for advice, but I'm not sure there's anything to be done.
I'm having the most introspective month of my entire fucking life, and it's driving me mad.
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So, having had time to digest this, I realise that the same is true of the women in my family. The "close" friends we do have tend to be men, and they're still not that close. We just don't do the girly thing (whatever that is). But I've never really thought about it before and it's never really bothered me.
I had a crappy childhood (not really abusive or anything, just bog-standard divorce crappy), but I concentrated on dealing with that rather than making friends. I learned to love when I was an adult, and I never got secure about that until I met beest. (And I still don't do hugs for anyone but my immediate family).
But I only realise that in hindsight. And I realise now that I've only really learned how to make friends since I moved here 6 years ago aged 30. Which I guess is what prompted my comment about England.
Advice? Like you say, there's not a lot really. My advice is not to worry. When the right relationship comes along, you will know and it will suddenly be OK. Trying to be someone else to make a success of a relationship is a recipe for failure. When you need close friends, you will learn how to make them, but right now, you seem cool, just at an emotional low point and wondering if it would be easier if you had a bosom buddy. It most likely wouldn't, so don't beat yourself up over it.