[Sundae]

I spent most of last year wanting to die. I simply couldn't believe I'd ever have the mental or emotional strength for a normal daily life again. I was incapable of doing anything for myself, and believed I would stay like this forever and be a burden on my parents at a time in their lives when they were about to take much-deserved retirement.

I even counted up how many people would attend my funeral, and figured as it was less than ten it probably wouldn't have much impact anyway.

I didn't get to the point of making a suicide attempt, but I did try to break my wrists/ arms on a couple of occasions, knowing I would have a valid reason to go to the hospital and there be able to confess my feelings of total despair.

I also went walking on a local park after midnight on three occasions, hoping I would be attacked - more or less for the same reasons (but with the added possibility that I might be killed rather than injured).

These were pathetic attempts and I offer more to illustrate my state of mind rather than compare them to Elspode actually having a gun in his hand.

Thoughts of my family didn't prevent me from making a more serious attempt, but they did prevent it from being a completely positive fantasy. I lived at home when my Nan died (Mum's mum) and was there to help her with all the funeral arrangements. The one thing that stuck in my throat was the idea of Mum having to prepare food for the my wake without an extra pair of hands there to help. Ridiculous as it sounds, this was a very real concern to me.

I spent 3 hours one night on the phone to the Samaritans. It got me through the worst of it. I also had a number my GP had given me for a crisis line at the hospital - I had the number keyed into my mobile and spent a couple of nights with my thumb hovering over the "call" button, telling myself I'd leave it another five minutes. I always felt terribly melodramatic in the mornings, but again it got me through.

I don't think that suicide is really seen as a way out - at least it's not how I saw it. It's a belief (acceptance perhaps) that you are simply not capable of living until the situation improves. It's not, "Oh I can't be bothered, I quit!" rather, "I'd rather not exist forever than bear this any longer"

Grant's quote by Richard Bach always draws me up short - doesn't he (Bach) realise that people contemplating suicide are already dying inside their own heads and that they would carry that with them wherever they went? The issue isn't usually practical problems, it's the way you feel about them.

Anyway, personal opinion based on my own experience for what it's worth.