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kerosene · 08-02-2007, 06:10 PM

The divorce process is sickening, at best. I have heard females sometimes use the "restraining order" as a strategy in a divorce. I think it is often recommended, even if there isn't a good reason for restraint, because it forces the man out of the house and into a defensive situation. Not saying that restraining orders are never the best thing for a situation, I have just heard of them being abused for this purpose. My husband's ex even once said "At least I didn't get a restraining order on you." I remember thinking "What reason would she have for that?" (I was there...there was no reason for her to feel threatened at all.) But it is sometimes used as a tactic to win custody battles.

Deuce, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially in midst of the emotional turmoil you are already dealing with.

A couple of things:

- Absolutely get a lawyer. Now. Keep calling until someone talks to you.
- Keep your head on straight. Sounds like you are doing that, but just keep it that way. Your wife may try to sweeten you up for something she wants, but keep in mind that she is going to try and get everything she can and she is, in fact ending the marriage. Getting a lawyer will help with this, too, if he/she is a good one. They should be sort of a buffer for you. Not like a therapist, but they handle the stinky stuff and should do their best to clean it up before they hand it over to you. If not, you need a better lawyer.
- Get as much time with your kids as you can and don't settle for anything less than being a fully involved parent, no matter what mediators or your wife say about it. Even if they are residing with their mom away from you, stay involved as much as you can. Go to events. Take them to school, pack their lunches...whatever it takes to show them you are still their father and that you have not abandoned them (or that their mother has not pushed you out of their lives.) You should be able to get the restraining order suspended or dropped, I would think which makes being involved a lot more possible.
- Don't ever demonize their mother to them. I doubt you would do this, but people divorcing do this, sometimes as an emotional reaction, but it is a serious issue for kids in divorces, I think and damages them for a long time. My step-kids still ask questions about the crap their mother fed them about Dad.

It seriously sucks, but divorce is like that. Take heart...it will get better, but it has to get a little worse, first.

I hope I haven't come across too harshly, but I truly wish you the best with this. You have made a lot of progress with the struggles you have had, lately, even if you don't feel like you've made progress. It is apparent in reading your posts. Don't let these new developments keep you from continuing to make progress. This is your next lesson and you will master it.

08-02-2007, 06:10 PM	#53
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	The divorce process is sickening, at best. I have heard females sometimes use the "restraining order" as a strategy in a divorce. I think it is often recommended, even if there isn't a good reason for restraint, because it forces the man out of the house and into a defensive situation. Not saying that restraining orders are never the best thing for a situation, I have just heard of them being abused for this purpose. My husband's ex even once said "At least I didn't get a restraining order on you." I remember thinking "What reason would she have for that?" (I was there...there was no reason for her to feel threatened at all.) But it is sometimes used as a tactic to win custody battles. Deuce, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, especially in midst of the emotional turmoil you are already dealing with. A couple of things: - Absolutely get a lawyer. Now. Keep calling until someone talks to you. - Keep your head on straight. Sounds like you are doing that, but just keep it that way. Your wife may try to sweeten you up for something she wants, but keep in mind that she is going to try and get everything she can and she is, in fact ending the marriage. Getting a lawyer will help with this, too, if he/she is a good one. They should be sort of a buffer for you. Not like a therapist, but they handle the stinky stuff and should do their best to clean it up before they hand it over to you. If not, you need a better lawyer. - Get as much time with your kids as you can and don't settle for anything less than being a fully involved parent, no matter what mediators or your wife say about it. Even if they are residing with their mom away from you, stay involved as much as you can. Go to events. Take them to school, pack their lunches...whatever it takes to show them you are still their father and that you have not abandoned them (or that their mother has not pushed you out of their lives.) You should be able to get the restraining order suspended or dropped, I would think which makes being involved a lot more possible. - Don't ever demonize their mother to them. I doubt you would do this, but people divorcing do this, sometimes as an emotional reaction, but it is a serious issue for kids in divorces, I think and damages them for a long time. My step-kids still ask questions about the crap their mother fed them about Dad. It seriously sucks, but divorce is like that. Take heart...it will get better, but it has to get a little worse, first. I hope I haven't come across too harshly, but I truly wish you the best with this. You have made a lot of progress with the struggles you have had, lately, even if you don't feel like you've made progress. It is apparent in reading your posts. Don't let these new developments keep you from continuing to make progress. This is your next lesson and you will master it.