[Trilby]

Thankyou all so much---god, my eyes actually hurt from no sleep (went to my son's football game [he's captain!!!] last night [they won 45-zero!]) and then had a rotten cry this morning.

My family's reaction has been...well, like they themselves, it's been strange. My older sis (a pediatric nurse) has been amazing, my little sis (nearly dual citizenship with Jamaica d/t her deep love of the ganja) has been good and my mother--a woman I am closer to than any other person on earth--is acting like nothing is going on at all! Like, well, it's a cold, you'll get better. Now, I know why she is doing this--but in all honesty, it's weird. My father said NOTHING. My exhubby (the one I LOVED--HA!) said, "Claudette, I'm taking what you're saying and cutting it in half--you make mountains out of molehills....blah, blah, blah..." and, I will concede, he does have a point. I do tend to (to use a fucking AA term) "awfulize"--in my defense, I SAW the mammo. I SAW it. I was a member of the American Registry of Radiologic Technologists and I took another test to be Mammo certified tech AND I was an ultrasound tech--I know all this does not sit with many cellarites ideas about me, but, honestly, I was good at what I did and I had a critical radar (some call it intuition) that allowed me to see what was going on (a gift that I, not knowing how to handle, squandered and let destroy a part of me) and I know NOW what is going on. i was able to kid myself for this past week--oh, most lumps are benign, 90% are false positives, etc., etc. but, I saw the mammo thursday (the tech left it out while she had the spot films checked by the rad) and I saw the monster--all tentacles, from my armpit legging down toward my nipple---all legs. THEN I saw the US (I had to see it, I was facing the screen--plus, I used to work there) and I saw that the edges were blurry (bad) and there were echos in the mass itself (not liquid, like a simple cyst) I begged the US tech to tell my what the Rad. said and she onlly said, "Claudette, we're going to expedite this--your doc will have the resutls tomorrow." I knew then I had cancer.

Look--I've had an amazing life. I really have. I cannot doubt that this thing has metzed. Microcalcifications, huge, leggy, by my armpit--at the very least it's in my lymph nodes (the bodys Highway!!).

The point of all this is: thank you, all. For your compassion and love and fellowship.


I'm going to fight, yes. but If i don't win---it;s oK, too.