Hi Bullitt,
I have three specific suggestions. The points are marked in bold and my suggestions are in parentheses. I'm not sure you can use the third suggestion, since you must faithfully report the question you asked.
Also, the second and third sentences seem to say almost exactly the same thing. Maybe there are some statistician's conventions here you're following, but if not I suggest you condense those two sentences to one. I've marked uni essays and I loathe wading through repetition.
Also you kept spelling "computer student" wrong
.
Design and Execution of the Study:
Being a commuter student myself, I decided to pursue a topic that I am personally interested in. The topic at hand is how important commuter student involvement on campus is to the general student population. My goal in this study was to investigate the variable of how important it is to the general student population to have commuter students more involved in
on campus (on-campus) events. The questions
ask to (asked of) each individual sampled were: “Would you support an increase in school funding
(of) and number of events geared towards commuter students in order to get them more involved on campus? Or is the money better spent elsewhere on other projects such as dorm renovation, etc.?"
I'm curious to know a few things though.
Did you ask this as one question or two? That is, were respondents allowed to answer the first part before you asked the second? The second part of the question would swing the answers of dorm students towards "no" to the "more money for commuter students" proposal.
Also, where you did your sampling could swing the whole thing. Asking at the bus stop and car park would get lots of yeses, around the dorms, lots more noes.
I guess (too late now) that you should have asked two questions: first, are you dormer or commuter, then, should we spend more on getting the commuters to party with us? Since you know the proportion of dormers and commuters overall, you could then extrapolate from your samples for a more reliable picture.
You mention a few things that indicate you're wise to these issues though. Good luck.