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I'm just going to speculate here, as I realize I don't really know you.
I think that you're looking for strength in other people. That doesn't work. The foundation of your ego has to come from within. Surrounding yourself with a network of supportive friends can be very helpful, but it is not a foundation. Trying to use it as one just doesn't work. You have to believe in yourself.
It's easy to spot people who have self-confidence, because when someone insults or criticizes them, they take the comment, evaluate it, and reject it, leaving no scar on their inner self. They just don't take it personally. They say, "No, that's not me", and move on.
But if you don't believe in yourself, your self worth is left to the whims of others. Unfortunately, that can be pretty unpredictable.
Also, when your posts get a little long, it might help your readers if you break your thoughts up into paragraphs.
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