[sean]

cont. from above...

So, in conclusion...

I'll tell you about the strategies that have worked for me. To begin with, I've come to recognize that my orientation isn't simply a sexual attraction to children, its a generalized orientation, and has a strong nurturing component to it. It's instinctive in the way that motherhood is instinctive. Altho my sexual feelings are undeniable, they are far from central or demanding of attention or satisfaction.

I've also learned to be open with people about my feelings. I don't go shouting about it from the rooftops, but that's not because I'm ashamed, it's becos of the level of prejudice, intolerance, hostility and violence shown toward people like me by society. Its depressing that this level of bigotry is so acceptable to otherwise civilized people.

Despite this, I'm optimistic things will change for the better. Plenty of people who've engaged with me on this issue in the past few years have reappraised their initial prejudices and have come to show me their trust, kindness, respect and understanding, so i know it's possible. I have a sizable circle of friends and family who know about my orientation, and most are quite happy for me to spend time with their children.

I've fallen in love with children on two or three occasions. These haven't been trivial pseudo-experiences, they have been profound and involving personal journeys. It was grief over the absence of a beloved child that precipitated my suicide attempt. Grieving in silence and secrecy is very difficult. I've always felt a responsibility to shield children from the burden of these kinds of feelings, and I think this applies as much to parental love as to the romantic variety. I'm dedicated to the idea that it is the adult's duty to meet children's needs and not the other way around. I've also had children show me strong affection and emotional commitment. When a child shows love for an adult, there's a serious responsibility to safeguard that child's trust and not betray them in any way. That's my guiding ethos.

As for expressing my sexual feelings in private, well I don't collect child pornography, but i do have a lot of children's books in my shelves, and sometimes in the illustrations, careless little girls let their knickers show! I find it next to impossible not to think about children when I masturbate, but I don't think about masturbating at all when I'm with children. In my experience, children in fantasy are quite different to real life children, who have a way of focusing attention on their real needs. The more contact I have with real life children, the less inclined i am to confuse them with the fantastic variety.

This is part of a pattern: the more consciously I reflect on the situation I and others like me are in, and the more effort I put into educating those around me about our challenges and struggles, then the more honorable and worthwhile I feel. I feel less trapped and far, far less vulnerable to any impulsive or compulsive acting out.

I think society, especially that small element of it that has some capacity for rational insight, bears a heavy burden of responsibility to develop a more mature stance in it's attitudes to paedophilia, and also needs to confront some of its own anxieties around sexuality, and child sexuality in particular. I was eleven when my romantic interest in little girls first occasioned comment from adults. At the time it was no big deal, but by the time I was seventeen I'd grown to feel perverted, isolated and ashamed. Children are taught in school that sex is fraught with danger, that evil paedophiles lurk in every playground, but a sizable number of these children are going to grow into men who themselves experience some sexual attraction to children. These feelings are far more common than is generally acknowledged, and unless they are discussed and allowed some acceptable avenue for exploration and expression, they will cause misery for someone.

Of course children deserve protection from sexual abuse, but all too often this 'protection' is simply a cipher for social control of their sexuality and of sexuality in general. Children themselves are now being routinely subjected to accusations of sexual abuse of peers and are subsequently exposed to serious institutional abuse by the judicial system. As if sexual curiosity were a heinous crime.

In many historical contexts, paedophilic feelings in adults have been recognized as a source of authentic and selfless love and devotion that can play an important role in the education and nurturing of children. Unless society recognizes this capacity for good in adults who are attracted to children, those adults will seek alternative, and sometimes malignant ways to meet their emotional needs.

cheers
sean.