You created the shame feelings because they recreated feelings that you secretly enjoyed as a child. They were a comfort. And the full feelings, also a low-level, basic comfort. You may have sought to create an emotion over which you actually had full control, to avoid more painful or complicated emotions that you could not control. The excitement of "getting away with it" can also be part of the addictive reaction.
That will be $90. Same time next week?
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