[Aliantha]

Dear husband,

I want you to try and remember realistically, the reasons why we decided to sell Wynnum Road, and I mean really put yourself back there and remember honestly rather than with your hindsight view of what might have been better if we’d known what was about to happen.

Then I’d like you to remember that in the end we moved from Gatling Rd because I told you I couldn’t stand to be there anymore, and even you admitted that you realised why I felt that way after you had a week at home with the problems (I can’t remember how that came about, but it did). Do you recall saying that or have you forgotten? Do you remember me saying to you that I don’t care where we go, but we just need to go somewhere. Do you remember that you were the one that chose Jacobs Well? Do you remember having the final say on this house? Do you remember me consulting with you through the whole process? Yes I know I wanted this house, but I didn’t force you to agree to it, and I asked you if you were happy with the choice and you said yes. I didn’t ask you to lift a finger except for your personal belongings with regard to the move. I managed it completely without any help from you. All you had to do was go to work from one house and come home to another and if you remember correctly, I had the house looking very much like a home by the time you got there.

Do I sometimes think about the choices we’ve made and think we could have done better? Yes I do, but I’m sensible enough to realise that we made the best decision we could at the time with the knowledge and resources we had at hand. Do you think I don’t wish we didn’t have this mortgage over our heads? Do you think I don’t want it gone? Do you think I sit here all day in fucking la la land thinking everything is perfect? If you do, you mustn’t think very much of my intelligence at all, and that’s a big problem.

I want you to remember that at no time did I hold a gun to your head about any of these decisions. I’ve always consulted fully with you on all of them. I want you to also think about the fact that your hatred of my brother was a big part of the reason we needed to leave Wynnum Rd. I don’t blame you for that. I understand why you felt or feel the way you do and I don’t hold it over your head do I? What would be the point of it if I did? Would it make anything better? I doubt it. I think it would only make things worse.

I think you need to wake up to the fact that I am not the problem here, but if you still want to consider me as one, then the solution to that is very clear to me, but I’m not going to live the rest of my life with you blaming me for stress that you insist on carrying around.

If you want to sell this house and go elsewhere fine. I will do it, but I think it will be a mistake and will end up costing us more. That much I have learned from the last time we moved house. Still I will do the best I can if that’s what you want to do.

The doctor has already warned me that I need to be subjected to as little stress and anxiety as possible during this pregnancy or I’m likely to end up in hospital for the whole of the third trimester. If you think that’s an objectionable outcome, then I suggest you find a way to get rid of these issues post haste. Make a decision and then accept the consequences, but don’t dare blame me for the outcome if it happens to be one you don’t like.

Just so we’re clear, if you can’t get over issues from the past, whether they’re real or imagined, we have a huge problem. I can not live my life with someone who constantly carries around resentment over things that happened years ago and that I cannot change now even if I wanted to. I can only say how I feel about those things in hindsight and explain why I felt the way I did at the time. I CAN’T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE PAST AND NOR CAN YOU NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT GIVES YOU THE SHITS, so if you can’t reconcile all of that, then there are not too many choices left.

Your loving wife.
xxx

PS. In case you’re wondering why I don’t constantly worry about the debt we have, I can only say that I accept the debt as part of our reality and think the solution is to work towards lowering it. I don’t believe that choosing to worry about it during every waking moment is likely to change that reality. There are better things in life to spend my time thinking about.