[orthodoc]

Sorry to bring this up again - I know lots of you were very helpful and supportive in early June when my stbx was pulling all sorts of shit, and I appreciate that more than you can know. And I've gotten myself moved out, and the final papers are supposed to be signed on Thursday (the 5th).

Today stbx texted all day saying his income has dropped drastically this month, that his income will be less than mine once he pays alimony for two years while I train (not true), and that I need to share expenses for the kids (college expenses). And he wants an exception to the nonmodifiable alimony in case he's totally disabled ... it has to be worded carefully though, because he can get his disability insurance if he decides he can't work ER anymore, even if he does other medical work and makes almost as much income as he does now.

I'm feeling like I'm still held hostage, like I will be for the next two years; he wants to meet in person, see my place, makes inappropriate comments about my body ... and I'm so close to having final papers signed, he says he's willing to do it Thursday morning, but now I feel like it won't really be final. Like he'll still have his hooks in me and I'll be hearing from him endlessly, and enduring his inappropriate comments and having to use my bit of capital to keep the kids going, and I'll feel like I just got f*cked over after all, trying to leave ...

I guess I'm trying to talk out the fact that I don't think this can work in a civil way. That I'm probably going to have to take the scorched-earth route and discontinue my initial divorce filing and re-file in the county where we live, so that I can hire the attorney that I'd prefer to have ... and it'll be 2-3 years of bitter fighting and acrimony and endless expense.

I didn't want this to happen. I hate it. After 2-3 years of fighting there may not be much left once the lawyers get their take. But I can see endless years of being hoovered back into interactions that trigger my PTSD and make me almost unable to function. He ruined my day today and it wasn't a critical day at work; once those critical days start, I can't afford this. It makes me SO angry ...