[orthodoc]

Thank you, guys. I'm sorry about these whiny threads. One of these days I'll start a happy thread (witty is beyond my abilities) and leave you all speechless with shock!

Morning is wiser than evening; the old Russian proverb is true. At least, while reality hasn't changed, I feel a little better this morning about setting boundaries. I think you're right, Bruce, in that my son wouldn't think about what's appropriate (or kind to the feelings of others) to do in a situation, he'd just do whatever spared his feelings most. But he also sought me out to be sure I knew he was following through on his plan to absent himself because I'd offended him. It ruins a good sulk if no one knows about it.

Having tried 'most everything else over the years, I'm left with setting boundaries and taking the attitude of 'deal with it'. And as you say, Tril, I bet in the long term it'll be better all round. My wish/habit of always trying to ensure my family is happy, making sure they all know I love them unconditionally, isn't the healthiest thing (I know where it comes from but it's still problematic). If my son doesn't know by now that I love him, he'll never figure it out. Tolerating his manipulation just reinforces his bad habits. Something i'm working on right now is identifying and refusing to accept disrespectful or otherwise bad treatment. I know that people will treat you as badly as you let them. I also know that setting boundaries with my sister worked well for both of us; applying it to my son is a no-brainer in theory. A little harder in practice, but it has to be done.

I like your advice, Tril - yes, he is an adult and I've done everything I can. The choices now are his to make. I will print this out on 8.5 x 11" paper and stick it to my bathroom mirror! Read it over and over until it really sticks.