[orthodoc]

... but I've decided to get remarried. I'm nervous about saying it after all the support and encouragement everyone gave me last year, and ongoing. But for the same reasons you deserve to know.

I accepted my ex's help last summer after my diagnosis. He was respectful and went beyond what I could possibly have expected. Yes, you could say he had an agenda, but he was genuinely distraught over my situation and did crazy things with his schedule in order to be in my town when he was needed. I told him to back off two different times, when I felt crowded, and he did. He didn't approach me again until I asked.

I needed the physical help. I had complications that I couldn't manage by myself, and too much general illness to handle and keep working without literal physical help. I'm very grateful for what he did.

Maybe gratitude isn't the basis for a marriage, but it's a start. Friendship is a start, in fact it's probably the bedrock. All I was looking for with the 'friend' who brutally dumped me the second I had my diagnosis was affectionate friendship. After all that's happened, I think I can do affectionate friendship.

One thing with my ex - I've known him forever, I know him very very well. There are no surprises lurking, no unexpected monster, no sudden out-of-the-blue departures forthcoming. That sounds selfish, but I will do the same for him. My departure last year wasn't out-of-the-blue, for that matter; we talked and argued and cried through a lot. In the ensuing months we had a number of very direct, uncomfortable discussions about everything that happened. I finally feel I can move on.

I value myself now, in a way I haven't ever done. If things go south in future I won't hesitate to leave. I've done it successfully once and I can do it again. I don't think I'll have to, but I know I can do it and so does he.

In the meantime, in the time I have to be healthy (a year, a bunch of years, who knows - I don't have distant mets at the moment but I have regional spread), I'd like to be able to share and enjoy things in company. There are things I want to do, and it'd be nice to do them with someone else. And I have no illusions about how things would go if I put myself out there again, hoping for an 'affectionate friendship'. Been there, done that, learned my lesson. Won't do it again.

I also find that I'm not ready or able to give up my property in PA. It was jointly owned, but I designed and oversaw the building of the house; I planted all the gardens; I did everything on and to that property. It gives me peace. It's my little piece of heaven.

I'll never be financially dependent again; we'll keep finances essentially as they are now so that that never happens. I have had a professional setback in that my job in smalltown, the one I was going to return to, almost certainly won't be there. I'll have to set up my own practice or find another way to earn income. It'll probably work out for the best, but if I get sick again before I get established I could be without income and insurance, and without practical help.

I don't mean this to sound mercenary, but I've never had cancer before. Getting that sick changes a lot of things. I've had to not only think through my priorities, but plan for what happens when I get sick again. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. I will certainly do everything in my power to make it a long time until 'when', but not everything is in my power. I know my ex will help me when I get sick again. On the other hand, he has some very serious health problems himself. If he gets sick, I'll help him.

You probably don't want to know all of this, but I want to explain somewhat in light of how difficult last year was, knowing how much you all helped me and how much I appreciated it. As I said, I'm nervous about announcing this but need to get it out there ...