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Can I whine for a minute?
I'm so freaking tired of everything. I don't know to what I should attribute this feeling. Of course, with my diagnosis of major depressive disorder, it seems obvious. But I'm taking the medications.
I'm feeling useless because I'm not working. I'm not dealing with the loss of my mom, not very well, anyway. I can't stand myself. I can't stand being alone all the time (and at the same time I like 'alone' time.) I 'need' but I can't ask. It feels like everything is falling down around me. And just me. Yeah, I KNOW other people have problems. Not one of us is immune., and probably a lot of people feel the way I do. I know it could be so much worse. I know in my heart that I am not alone in these feelings. But I used to have moments of clarity. Moments when I liked myself, felt like I had something to offer.
I realize it's mostly the depression talking. It's only been a little over a week I lost my mom. Do you think spring will bring a renewal of hope?
I'm not suicidal. I want to live. I wouldn't hurt my family like that. But my gawd I wish I saw some sort of light ahead. I always have said that you never know what can happen, from day to day. But day after day goes by and I feel like nothing will ever change. Everything, I mean EVERYTHING, seems like a giant chore.
Well, thanks for listening. Maybe it'll help just talking about it. More likely: I'll kick myself for putting myself out there like this.
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