[BigV]

I can't walk a mile in your shoes. I'd get one mostly on, and stumble and break my ankle trying to get the other on. A mile?! No fucking way.

However.

I do have my own thoughts and opinions, which I have mostly (almost completely) kept to myself on this topic, but xoB's remarks at the end there... like he's reading my mind.

I'm just gonna think out loud a little here... I like you ortho, I do. I admire many things about you (not an exhaustive list), your humor, your openness, your clear communications, your bravery and your fucking guts to get through aaaaallll the shit you've gotten through. I hated hearing about your terrible home situation, then biiig changes, HOORAY!. Then *more* changes, and for your own reasons, the sum total of all your reasons for and against, you remarried him.

It's just plain right for me to accept (As. If. there were any other reaction. pffft) your choice, but... Now it seems one or more of the negative factors is pressing on you. Maybe the sum total indicates still to stick with what you've got, but the things you see and hear and feel the most are the negative ones. It sucks for me to watch you suffer (wah me). I truly wish you were reporting different experiences.

I remember well my own anguish from my home life, and it's just that, a memory. *NONE* of the shit that was poisoning my life before is a significant presence in my life now. Mostly because I have different people, and at different distances than before, but also because my own boundaries are wwaaaaaay better. There's still room for improvement, but I have made strides. Life is much better as a direct result. And the lives of the people I previously worked so hard to love/protect/serve/teach/feed/provide for are also better, but really, it's because I'm taking better care of my own goddamn self. Some people needed to fuck off. Those that didn't voluntarily do so got help from me.

When I got rid of a lot of the shittiness, surprise, surprise, my life became a lot less stinky. I hope your life becomes less stinky too. I can't tell you what to do... no, wait. I can tell you what to do, but how, that's tactical, you have to figure that out in each situation yourself. But here's your overarching strategy, morning to nighttime, Take care of yourself. Put yourself first. You can't help anyone else if you're not able to function well yourself. Duh, these aren't absolute, fundamentalist ideas, not subject to reality. Don't be dumb about them. But orthodoc, let your own name move to the top of your list of people you like, people you love, people you want to protect and care for.

All those others will benefit as well, including those that truly need help fucking off. Trust me, the ones that need it the most know it the least. Be a pal, do them a favor, tell them.