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I don't know why the thought of killing myself comes into my head so much. I have a lot of good things in my life. I think I'm sick somehow. I don't like the thoughts. It's kind of like having a bruise which is very sore but you rub it and it hurts and feels good at the same time. It's kind of fucked up. I really don't like it. I have hesitated posting this. I have a lot of shame about it. I haven't told anyone about it. I don't know what I want. I must want to live since I am still here.
But I don't like the thoughts. They are a distraction. They are like surprise wave of nausea. It's horrible and unpleasant. You can't anticipate it or prevent it and the unpleasantness, it stays with you.
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