[BigV]

I'm back.

Thanks all for your concern and your patience. I really do appreciate you.


*****


So, SonofV made it to NY safely and is set up in an apartment and is submitting job applications at a rate of about ten a day. Well, ten *today*(yesterday, actually, when I started this reply...), so that's one datapoint. Obviously, he needs a job so he can pay the rent--right now he's just living off the generosity of others. When he gets a job, he'll be able to pay his fair share on the apartment he's applied to rent with the people he's staying with now, when the new lease takes effect. Fingers crossed!

Seattle was tough for him. He had a tumultuous adolescence / early adulthood, chronicled here in other threads. My divorce from Tink blew up his family unit, my prolonged unemployment cast an economic pall over his half-home, and his mother's illness and physical decline made him a full time caregiver. Her death was equal, copious parts tragedy and relief, two tastes that taste like shit together. My county-changing reemployment and subsequent move ejected him from his natal home and into years of couch surfing. Very tough. Not living under a bridge tough, but still pretty sucky.

He had some low skill, low reward jobs, nothing with any upward trajectory, but enough to pay for food and Xbox Gold. Absent from the lamentations above is any mention of post high school education. We tried community college (I paid, he bailed) but he wasn't into it #hammeringoncoldiron. As a loving parent, which I am, I want the best for my kid. I want him to succeed. Success doesn't have a specific shape or numeric value, I'd consider it a success if he became a functioning, autonomous, happy, resilient adult. An adult who has the creativity and grit to get back up and find a way to work it out.

This sounds lofty and all, but that's only because it takes a big sacrifice on my part. Specifically, it requires me to stand by, to hold back, while my kid suffers. Pain can be instructive. Watching my kid suffer while I know I have the ability (and the desire, definitely) to alleviate that suffering has revealed depths of restraint I didn't know I had.

That's part of the "blessing" this move represents. I really, really, can't hop on the ferry, I mean, airplane after work and buy him dinner as we chat at the laundromat because he's out of quarters. Or some shit like that. Or, show up at the ER *again* because he's faceplanted into the grab bars on the bus and broken his nose and teeth so he can have a ride home/back to his couch.

This letting go, truly emptying my nest, represents a transition as surprising as the birth of his eldest sibling. I saw both events coming, I recognize both events as normal and desirable, and I was really not prepared for the reality they represented. Reading about it didn't convey the emotional impact, the physical experience of such a change. Some of the parents reading this know what I'm talking about.

Twil and I had planned a weekend getaway awhile ago, just a Saturday night halfway around the peninsula. The plan had been made before SonofV's move was discussed let alone had a departure date. He'd agreed to watch Andy (The Reluctant Outdoor Dog) for us. Well, he was good for his promise, and Twil and I packed up the car on Saturday morning, I kissed SonofV goodbye, waking him on the couch as I did so, "Hey, we're leaving now. Loveya!"... He was groggy, hugged me back and we left. As we were in the drive through at Starbucks five minutes down the road Twil asked me what I wanted. And I didn't answer. She looked over at me. I couldn't answer. I was in the throes of a debilitating attack of separation anxiety. All I could manage was to squeak out "It feels like that's the last time I'll ever see him." Twil, compassionately suggested, "Why don't we ask him to come along?". Fast forward, I called him (woke him up again) and asked him if he'd like to join us on a little road trip. He said sure so we went back and he hopped in the car (he was already packed, he basically lives out of a suitcase). And the dog was just fine spending the weekend outside with food and water and shelter and fair weather.

The trip was nice, not extraordinary by travel standards. But we all had a good time. Twil's genius and insight and love for me and for him saved me. It certainly saved the weekend, I was completely unsuitable company before he joined us. And it gave me a little rehearsal for the actual separation on Monday, which went pretty smoothly. And now we're back to the opening paragraph.

Since then, he's settled in nicely. He's staying with friends of his brother who lives in the next little town down the road. I expect his brother can tell him stuff he can't hear from me, despite the fact ElderSon and I are saying the exact same things. Also totally normal. I'm fine now. I'm functional, though recounting the experience has made me cry again. He's got more work ahead of him, work that is hard and has real consequences. The stakes are pretty high. And he's going to fail. I know it. I welcome it. Just as I welcome the image of him getting back up, and trying again.