[footfootfoot]

Not you. Totes creepy.

I've been reading up on narcissism (so much so that I can spell it) and narcissistic abuse and PTSD from same.

reddit has some subreddits on it and as I've read through them I've been reminded of just how crazy the ex is. I do worry for the kids somewhat, not that she would directly be abusive to them (as far as I can tell) but the things she indirectly models for them. E.g. my son goes into my room and takes down my black out curtains and opens the regular curtains in my room- exactly the kind of "did I ask you to do that?" type shit that his mother does. I spoke to him and he's stopped, but the boundary problems are already evident. His mom and Oma are professional no-boundary having or respecting type peeps.

Lately I've been vacillating between being annoyed, envious, jealous, and angry about her having a boyfriend and getting laid while it's been at least 4 years for me, maybe five, and that was a perfunctory, unenthusiastic favor that she begrudgingly submitted to. Then I realize that the poor bastard has no idea what he's signed up for. Re-reading that post of mine about her assessment of our crumbling marriage being caused by my lack of worshiping her brought me back to just how deluded she is and how averse to accepting responsibility for anything she is.

A friend was recently asking me what I thought I might have done to contribute to the problems with the marriage and I said I felt it all came down to me not setting clear boundaries from the beginning and not standing my ground and or ending it right away. I tend(ed) to be too accommodating and giving her the benefit of the doubt. At first I felt it sounded like I was avoiding any real part in the problem, but the more I recognized and admitted how emotionally and mentally abusive she was, the more I felt like that question was tantamount to asking a battered woman what her contribution to getting her ass kicked was. You know, it is possible in some cases that it doesn't take two to tango. Or maybe my ever changing interests and hobbies might trigger her abandonment issues, but unlike the abuse leveled directly at me, my hobbies or interests were not in any way attacks on her.

So, definitely some PTSD going on here, I feel my sense of who I am and my worth and self image have taken a huge beating and I see the road back is going to be a long one. I've got a great therapist, my meds are working great and I'm putting mice elf first, but I still feel the rage and grief coming and going though I know, intellectually, that it won't be like this forever.

I still wonder though what sort of permanent damage has been done. I am pretty spooked at the idea of entering into another relationship; I don't trust my perceptions at all, and I'm pretty scared of unwittingly falling into the same trap.

You guys have been really wonderful over the years, supportive, accepting, inspirational and entertaining, so thanks for the eyes and ears. You are all the diggity peachy bomb.