[footfootfoot]

I eat very health consciously, exercise, take yoga, meditate, and have done CBT. I've never had suicidal thoughts until recently. My feeling about suicide is it's like walking out of a movie before it's over. When watching movies, I generally like to give the film/film maker the benefit of the doubt and wait to see how it ends, maybe they pull it together before the end. You don't know until then.

CBT has always been a problem for me since I have eyt to meet a therapist that wasn't either more fucked up than me, or nowhere near as smart as me and thus unable to realize that I am playing them. The worst is when I've seen therapists who make the mistake of confusing depression with stupidity. I don't really have much faith in CBT, after about 15 therapists over the past 25 years, I doubt I'll find one who will be helpful. Not to mention the cost.

My depression was diagnosed as Dysthymia. For me, what should take about five minutes, e.g. Go downstairs and get the board, measure it, cut it, and bring it back upstairs and nail it in place, takes about a half an hour or longer with a significant amount of time spent standing there thinking about having to go all the way downstairs and get the board... Sometimes I'll just get as far as going and getting the board and deciding I will measure it tomorrow.

I will load the washing machine and wash the clothes, then dry them. The dry clothes will then sit in the basket for weeks. If I do the laundry, then I probably won't be able to do anything else, like shave or sew a button on my shirt. It comes on so slowly that I don't even notice it until I find I am not returning important phone calls or emails, taking all day to get one sink of dishes washed, etc.

It's kind of fucked up.

Lately, and for the first time in my life, I have begun to feel that my family would be better off without me around. This is not the dominant thought, but it has begun to show up and that gives me concern. That and being unable to accomplish even the most insignificant tasks.

A friend with many years of sobriety in AA told me that his sponsor said to him "A lot of people will say 'I drink because my life is a mess' I suggest they flip the causality; there life is a mess because they drink."

So, for a long time I was feeling I'm depressed because of x,y,z in my life, and my friend asked me if it were possible that x,y,z were in my life because I was depressed.

In any case, I'm seeing my Doc first thing Monday am.

And thanks for your thoughts.