[Deuce]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Nope, not allowed, sorry.
Rules, you know. Once you click on accept, you're legally bound by the rules.

Rule 37b: After 150 posts and/or raising the concern of 3 or more Cellar Chicas, the party of the first part (you), is not allowed to bum out the party of the second part (us), by dieing.

Ha ha, you humor is welcome, even though I can't feel it. Please accept my thanks.

Sorry about the post count overage. As to the heightened concern level of the cellar chicas, that has been purely incidental. There is but one cellar chica, a lurker, whose concern I cultivate. But I'm a damn poor cultivator. I feel more like a resource to be mined. Dug through, carved out, ground up, processed and once the useful bits have been extracted, discarded, preferably far away.

Originally Posted by Deuce

I'm not dead yet. Be patient.

Now is a very bad time.

It is the worst time. It is the in between time. Too far forward to undo what's been done, but not close enough to surrender to cruel fate. Enough space to imagine, futilely, that escape is possible, when in reality, the maximum effect I can affect is to choose which side of the back of my neck meets the blade before the other. I am constrained.

Originally Posted by Lady Sidhe

I know I'm kind of late on this, but I'll put my two cents in anyway.

Having gone through depression, up and down, my whole life, I understand those feelings of hopelessness.

Better late than never. I need all the help I can get.

Originally Posted by Lady Sidhe

--snip--
I also understand how marriage problems can kick off depression. It's the closest relationship you have, one that's often, for better or worse (no pun intended), intertwined with your image of yourself, and whether we know, logically, that we shouldn't let it dictate how we feel about ourselves, often we can't help it.

This is precisely correct. A Big Part of who I am is Husband. Now, that is being taken away, and it is excruciatingly painful.

Originally Posted by Lady Sidhe

--snip--
But whatever you do, don't let yourself get isolated. When the only thing you have to do is think, sometimes your thoughts spiral so far down that you can't get out of them.

--And that's bad, mmmmmkaaay?

Yes. It is bad. I am that far down, a lot. Well, that I'm here typing this must mean that I haven't been that far down, since I'm obviously out/living. But drowning a foot from the surface and drowning a mile from the surface is just as agonizing.

I am alone.

There are some who care. I am thankful for them, and what they do for me. Sometimes, though, it feels hopeless. I still feel alone.