[TheDaVinciChode]

Ingredients:

1.) 1x Ready-to-be-cannibalised German Pervert.
2.) Mixed Vegetables. (Carrots/Peas/Corn/Broccoli/Cauliflower.)
3.) Red Cooking Wine.
4.) Salt/Pepper.
5.) Several large onions.
6.) Paprika/Cayenne Pepper.
7.) Potatoes.

Optional:

8.) High dosage of sleeping pills.

Tools:

1.) Large Cutting Knife.
2.) Abandoned house, with heavy, dark curtains.
3.) A bath tub.
4.) Brutal, violent pornography.
5.) A large tarp.
6.) A hammer - If required.
7.) A large roasting tin.

Preparation:

Step 1: Prepare your German Pervert, by watching some brutal, violent pornography with him; This will get the blood flowing, increase excitement, and help make the meat more tender, juicy. Whilst your German Pervert is being prepared, fill the bath tub with boiling water, and season to taste with the various spices mentioned above. At this point, you may want to start cutting up roughly half your vegetables, and throwing them in, too.

Step 2: Once the water is nicely seasoned, perform several sexual acts, of a depraved nature, on your German Pervert. This, again, will help tenderise the meat. (Now would be the time to use the optional sleeping pills, if that is your desire. However, I, personally, feel it takes away from the flavour of the meat.)

Step 3: Place the German Pervert into your pre-seasoned water, which should be nicely on the boil. Take your knife, and begin to cut his genitalia off. This is a good first-cut, as it will excite your meat, and cause a slow, but lethal bleed. Now would be a good time to add some of that red wine, to the broth. After a while of stewing, bleeding, etc, your meat may begin to panic - This is normal, and easily remedied with a swift knock to the head, with a hammer.

Step 4: Your meat should now be unconscious, and marinating away. Cover tub with tarp, and leave to marinade for eight - twelve hours.

Step 5: About four - six hours in, remove tarp, and observe the colour of the skin. Gently poke the meat, and, if unresponsive, now would be the time to remove the meat. Place on a large, clean surface, and, with a knife, make several slits in the skin, at key joint locations, or areas of tense skin, such as the calves. This will aid in removing the skin from your meat. (Some prefer to keep it on, but I find, if you remove it, at six hours, the meat will get a better flavour, from the marinating.) Cut the skin into small strips, and fry up as a tasty, salted snack, whilst waiting for your meat to finish marinating. Place the skinless meat back into your marinade, and leave for a further six hours.

Step 6: Time's up! Time to prepare the meat for cooking. Remove it from the marinade, and place it upon the same surface used for skinning. This part is up to personal preference, so start taking the cuts you want. If you opted for a high-class German Pervert, you'll find much nicer pieces of meat, with less fatty tissue surrounding them. If not, don't worry - There's still plenty of nice meat on the back, rump, and thighs. Leave the meat to rest for ten minutes, and then make your desired cuts. (Place all but the cut you'll be using, in a deep-freeze, ready for later consumption... Or, if you're going to have a party, simply multiply the ingredients to the necessary level to accommodate all your guests, and adjust cooking time to match.)

Step 7: I've found that slow-roasting German Perverts produces the best flavour, so pick your favourite cut of meat, and place it in a large roasting tin. Place the remainder of your vegetables in with it, and a cup or two of the marinade/broth that you made, earlier. Place some roughly chopped potatoes around the meat, on the bed of vegetables, then leave, on medium-low for four - six hours, until juicy, succulent, and cooked to perfection.

Step 8: After cooking, remove the meat and allow it to rest on a plate, whilst you prepare the gravy. This is a relatively simple process - Remove the potatoes, place them on a serving tray, then remove the vegetables, as you've used up all their flavour, add a little more red wine, and cook on a stove-top for a few minutes, until it begins to boil. Bring up any meaty/fatty residue from the base of the roasting tin, and cook/stir until it reaches your preferred consistency.

Step 9 - Serving: To truly enjoy the flavour of your meat, and out of respect for the German Pervert who died to produce this meal for you, I've found that minimalistic approach to the meal, is best. With the meat properly rested, make your cuts (or, if you're like me, leave the cut, whole, and make cuts as you eat it,) then place it on your plate, surrounded by a ring of roasted potatoes. Pour your freshly made gravy, over-top, and you're done. Eating it, whilst watching the same (brutal, violent) pornography that had earlier excited your meat, adds a whole new level to your enjoyment... Your taste-buds, and all your senses, will be tingling with excitement. Goes best with a nice glass of red wine, and candles for atmosphere.

(A romantic dinner for one!)

Depending on the size of your German Pervert, you'll have plenty of meat left over, for other cooking adventures, unless, of course, you decided to make a dinner party out of him... If not - I suggest frying up some thin strips, then tossing them with noodles, slices of bell pepper, a dash of lemon, and (adding at the last moment) slices of cucumber. It'd make a delicious stir-fry, especially with your meat being pre-marinated.

Bon Appetit!