[xoxoxoBruce]

If your favorite website is...

Etsy.com: You’ve gotten into a fist fight over a throw pillow.
NPR.org: You’ve quoted David Foster Wallace while making love.
OkCupid.com: You’ve dated three hundred and twelve vegans.
AOL.com: You were born before the Eisenhower administration.
Yelp.com: Your review of a Cinnabon was more dramatic than Hamlet.
Yahoo.com: You don’t really use the internet that much.
Tumblr.com: Your parents don’t understand you. Nobody does.
Amazon.com: You’ve screamed at Alexa to order a 12-pack of cherry Chap Stick.
Goodreads.com: You’ve canceled a minor surgery to finish a Carlos Fuentes novel.
UsaToday.com: Your favorite food is the sandwich.
PBS.org: You own a cat named Winston. Winston owns six monocles.
Reddit.com: No matter what’s written here, you will gripe about it endlessly.
Buzzfeed.com: If the internet went down for a day, you’d get Ebola symptoms.
Twitter.com: If the internet went down for two hours, you’d drive off the nearest bridge — while hitting refresh.
Bing.com: You cook asparagus in your four-slot toaster oven.
Pitchfork.com: You have a yearly budget for attending noise rock festivals in Bratislava.
Bandcamp.com: You’ve headlined a noise rock festival in Bratislava.
Engadget.com: You’ve wolf-whistled at a Samsung Galaxy.
MotherJones.com: You’ve read the entire label of a Dr. Bronner’s soap bottle.
Whmole30.com: You’ve smuggled butternut squash across the Libyan border.
Reason.com: You’ve purchased a firearm with Bitcoin, or vice versa.
Vox.com: You can turn any social gathering into a debate about tax policy.
T-Nation.com: You can deadlift three Vox readers.
FoxNews.com: You think RoboCop depicts a utopian society.
Forbes.com: You have achieved climax while converting an IRA into a Roth-IRA.
Salon.com: You once lectured a futon about global warming.
WallStreetJournal.com: You think having a favorite dinosaur is a waste of time.
InfoWars.com: Your home water filtration system is safe against radioactive fallout.
TheIntercept.com: You unwind by reading 10,000-word essays about drone bombings.
WikiLeaks.org: You invented a cryptocurrency.
Cracked.com: You’re funemployed.
MySpace.com: You died in 2005, at age twenty.
FocusOnTheFamily.com: Your teenage daughter is a sexually-active Juggalo.
ChurchOfSatan.com: You listen to Slayer’s Reign In Blood when you do Pilates.
ThoughtCatalog.com: You’ve been moved to tears by your own slam poetry.
Slashdot.org: You know that GNU’s not Unix.
Github.com: Your favorite tree is the Binary Search Tree.
FourHourWorkWeek.com: Your virtual assistant is reading this article for you.
Medium.com: You keep a running list of think piece ideas in Evernote.
AngelList.com: You own Evernote.
NerdWallet.com: You could survive for two years on credit card points.
PW.org: You’ve incited a riot over a shortage of Moleskine notebooks.
McSweeneys.net: You enjoy it when the last item in a list is a pattern break, or meta, in some fashion