[DanaC]

Actually, one last quick point then I'm done and we can get busy with more pleasant endeavors...

The purpose of this thread, as I understand it, is to provide a space for people to vent about shit that is pissing them off. When someone is wanting to vent - that is usually, in my experience, the least welcome time for suggestions on how to fix the problem.

Helpful suggestions, or someone try to reframe your issue in a less negative light, or offers of new information that may contradict some of what you are experiencing clashes with the venting frame of mind in a really unhelpful way.

Rather than welcoming the new input, that input feels more like a threat or
attack on the validity of your suffering. That can put your back up, make you feel attacked or dismissed, make you feel combative, and suddenly we're in a confrontation.

The person venting seems to be defending their problems, fighting off any attempt to make things better - so clearly they must want to feel shit - they must want their trouble to continue - which then becomes irritating as fuck to the person listening to them vent, and steadfastly refuse to listen to reason, or take on board helpful suggestions. Which puts their back up. Maybe makes them feel hurt or rebuffed. So they are combative, and now disbelieving of the other person's pain, because clearly they are choosing to hold it tight and protect it.

And now we're having a major fucking row.


I see this happen so often. I've been on both sides of the equation. If someone wants to vent, just let them vent. Chances are, they are not wanting you to fix their problem. Not because they like their problem, but because at that time their intention is to express what has happened/is happening not to seek solutions. When the focus is output, input can be difficult to accept.