[lumberjim]

The weather is so nice lately. Feeling at peace in this moment.. Sitting on my porch with coffee.

I'm sad she's missing this live air and bird song, but it doesn't lessen the beauty. Gentle breeze, flowers surrounding me. Clear cool air.

Future Jim, stay in the present. Quit fucking around with remorse. If you feed it, it will become stronger than you and eat your soul. Pull it back to the now. Use both hands.

See? Smart bullshit talk.

True, but I'm feeling like I need to feel this pain fully so I can start healing. This big chunk that's been bitten out of my life. It's raw and it saps my strength. But. In this moment, what is lacking? She wouldn't be sitting here with me anyway. I wouldn't have thought to reach out to her over just another pretty morning. Just normal life.

I think I'll get working on the present tense focus again. Maybe listen to that book again.

Love you all, and thank you for all the kind words. And sorry to bring this rain into your lives. It's a huge help to me to be able to cry and scream and blubber and wail and sob and reflect and regret and put these thoughts down to get them out of my head.