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Old 06-11-2003, 01:38 AM   #45
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
Posts: 20,773
In a lot of ways, you allowed yourself to be provoked, case, or at least opened yourself up to it.

I do respect your courage in allowing Juju to tell your story in an open forum. You're dealing here with a bunch of people, of different ages and experiences, and socio-political orientations.

What you are dealing with is an extremely sensitive issue. For you, and for your husband. As I said much earlier on in this thread, decisions have to be made on both your parts, in terms of what is to happen in your marriage. These decisions are often best made with the assistance of some third party, sometimes more than just one. Given the complexity of the situation up to three folks could/should be involved. Private therapist for each of you, and a separate marriage counsellor If you think the situation has reached this point! I'm a stranger with limited information and insight into your lives. I'm not telling you sight unseen here that you need your heads examined ... all i'm suggesting is because of the depth of complexity of the things that you need to sort out both individually and as a couple, some additional help wouldn't hurt.

Your and your husband's sexual preference and sexual expression are things that you've been dealing with throughout your marriage. There is a bond between you that transcends that. You wouldn't have been together this long if it wasn't there.

Have you already made use of counselling or pastoral counselling services available through your church, or would such contact potentially lead to problems within that community? If so, you might want to look elsewhere for that other perspective. If spiritually based counselling is important to you, look into practices for which that is a focus. Be aware, though that not all secular counsellors are created equal ... the 'he's gay and has to express that get over it' theme that erupted here might also show itself in a professional setting, although more subtly.

Have you at least been able to have open discussions with your husband thoughout your marriage? Is he able to talk to you about his thoughts, his feelings, his fears and uncertainties? Does he know you are able to listen? (assuming that you in fact are) Are you able to share YOUR thoughts, feelings, fears, and uncertainties with him equally?

When it all comes down to it, isn't that a lot of what counts?

I'm heartened to hear from someone who, based on this brief contact, seems to regard marriage not as something that is disposable, but as something that should be, and deserves to be, worked on.
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