Quote:
Originally Posted by footfootfoot
So I delivered my proposal for a 3-2-2-3 (i.e. 50/50) parenting schedule, formerly known as custody.
Not surprisingly, it didn't go over well with the control junkie. I'm now steeling myself for what will probably involve lawyers, guns, and money...
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BT,DT;GTTS.
I, too, decided that a 50/50 parenting schedule was in the best interests of SonofV (our only minor child at the time of the divorce). He loves his mother, and that is right and good and I encourage that. 50/50 let him spend time with her, though I would have been happy for an unbalanced schedule with more time with me. Regardless...
My point here is twofold:
1 -- The whole divorce was a big fucking deal in my life, and it impacted me in many ways, including my ability to think straight from time to time. When I could tell that shit was getting bad,
it was EXTREMELY HELPFUL for me to keep in mind this test: Was the decision I was making *in the best interest of SonofV?* My interactions with her ran the gamut; they were not consistently or even reliably good. So when something like the residential schedule came up, my emotions might lobby (loudly) for one plan, but that might not be in SonofV's best interest, like spending time with his mom.
This is **MY** choice, my priority, you will, of course, choose your own priorities, though I know you love your children as I love mine. Having this kind of test was really helpful in guiding my interactions with her.
2 -- Keeping in mind this prime directive, and trying to figure out a suitable 50/50 schedule that jigsawed (dovetails are too simple) with the rest of my life, I worked through many, many different schedules, including that one. We tried a few different ones too. Here's the most important thing I learned: SonofV loves his mom and likes spending time with her. He loves me too and likes spending time with me. But there's a biiiig difference in our households, unsurprisingly. The transition from one to the other (and back, and forth, and back...) was ... sometimes jarring. The transitions were always (and continue to be) the most reliable (that's not the right word... dammit...) the time that was most consistently stressful for him. Both in the anticipation for the move/swap/handoff/... and in the decompression when he landed here for his next "shift" with me. Really.
Changing, the unavoidable, necessary changes he had to make when transitioning from one home to the other has a cost. Once he was here awhile, hours sometimes, everything was cool. And in the other direction, I could often see him spinning up, getting less relaxed as the hour of the transfer approached.
Well, long story long, it was these transitions that were the major points of stress for him **that I could control**. By that I mean I could have an impact on the quantity of them. 3-2-2-3-2-2- is two weeks, with SIX swaps. But 7-7- is two weeks with only TWO swaps. And the same amount of time with each parent. This represented a big reduction in the amount of stress he had to face, and a big improvement for his quality of life. My schedule was kind of weird with it; some weekdays were open, some were booked, etc. And SonofV was old enough to be a latchkey kid, so there was some simplification to be had there. In the end, it worked out (as well as could be expected; given that she still isn't speaking to me).
So, second point is, I think 3-2-2 is "neat" but will have a lot of unnecessary transitions, and that those transitions are hardest on the kids.
That's my experience, I hope you and yours can do as well or better.