[OnyxCougar]

Originally Posted by Elspode

First off, for you newer Cellarites, OC has been around the block a time or two, and she knows from magick, and those who use it. *You* don't have to believe in it if those involved do. That said, if OC thought the necklace was having an adverse affect on The Boy (try to remember that he thought computer pictures were becoming living demons, apparently), then she, knowing what she knows and believing what she believes, was well within her rights as a custodial parent and mother to make The Boy remove said item.

And only until he learned what it meant and how it could be used, in an effort to teach him how to keep himself safe from the things he was *not* safe from. All he had to do was ask Miss Thang, and she would have told him her answer, and I probably would have accepted it enough to let him wear it, while giving him further education.

When The Boy refused to do so, he was essentially throwing off the yoke of parental restraint. At this point, he has accepted responsbility for himself, and whatever comes afterward. Had he understood one single thing *about* Wicca, he would have known this first off, because self-responsibility and self-determination are basic, fundamental tenets of the path, well before you ever start mucking around with magick.

He straight up told me that he didn't care about Wicca, didn't want to hear about Christianity. I told him if he didn't care about Wicca, he needs to remove a Wiccan religious symbol from his neck. It's the equivalent of blaspheme. Why would you even want to wear it if you're not a believer in that religion?

The Boy told her to go stuff herself, and in a couple of different, disrespectful ways. No apologies seem to be forthcoming, and his subsequent contacts seem designed to either provoke, defend or mine for information...none of it intended to reconcile between them. In the meantime, The Boy has continued to screw up his life, and he's managed to find a girl who is more than happy to help him maximize the drama in all of this, probably because it makes her that much more the center of *everyone's* attentions. You know the old saying, "Don't feed the troll"? HickHo is looking to be fed, folks.

Thank you for noticing that. It was a crucial thing for me that nobody else seems to recognize.

OC - I know it hurts, I know you're going to be asking yourself if what you've done was right, and I know you feel like a shitty mother.

I do. And David telling me for years that I am isn't helping. One small triumph, my mother was talking to him a few weeks ago and said something along the lines of, "Now do you see why she sent him to you?" and he said, "yes, now I understand." this man, who has propped himself up on being the more mature one, more responsible one, better caretaker, better parent, was not able to do better than I did. It may seem like a petty thing, but it was a vindication for me.

Raising kids is easy; building grownups is not. The Boy is now in the process of becoming The Man. You've been down this path before in your own life, and The Boy is uninterested in what you learned through so much pain along the way.

If you only knew how I agonized over what to tell him when, how to tell him, what effect it would have on him. It's not an easy thing to tell your son his father is a murderer and is never getting out of prison. It's worse when you have to tell him that he killed the man I was going to marry. Even worse, how he did it. And that he isn't sorry. And doesn't even want to see his son. Ever.

Therefore, let him learn his own lessons, take his own responsibility, and...if he survives the experience...be able to look back someday and realize that he could have saved a lot of trouble if he'd listened. Perhaps he will then be able to impart those lessons to his own progeny.

It's so hard. It's hard because it's obvious that he isn't learning from anything I told him. Oh, he took it in, then discarded it.

I suppose there are very few of us that actually listened to our parents and didn't think our way was better, easier, faster. It's just that he's doing it on such a monumental scale.

And that's why I'm having a hard time giving him advice yet again. I *know* he's not going to do what I tell him he needs to do, because I already have, and he hasn't done it. His grandmother has told him to do the same thing, he hasn't done it. Dave tells him the same thing, and he hasn't done it.

He told me he wanted me to be happy for him.

I've always been honest with him. I asked him what part I was supposed to be happy about. the fact he was there at all and not living with me? Can't be happy about that. The fact that he had sex with this girl unmarried? I can't be happy about that. The fact that he let his mouth ramble at school so he got expelled and now has a much harder road to pave? Can't be happy about that. The fact that after the initial scare and all my warnings, his grandmother's warnings, and basic common freaking sense, he has unprotected sex with this 16 year old girl when he's 18? Can't be happy about ANY of that. The fact that she got pregnant? Are you kidding me? The fact that she's now broken up with him and going to take (what could be) his child to Germany with her ex boyfriend?

Now I find out she's doing drugs while pregnant with (what could be) his child?

What part of this is supposed to make me happy? What part of that can I, as a parent, be happy about?

Every parent makes mistakes. I've certainly made my fair share, not just as a parent, but in life. But I have ALWAYS paid for them. He doesn't even want to accept the responsibility for even the reasons he went to Dave's.

It's not like I had alot of rules, people. Clean your room, go to school, do your homework, clean up after yourself, do your own laundry. Whenever he went out, he took the phone so if he needed a ride home, he could call me. One of his friend's dads owned a beer bar downtown, and his friend was the DJ. I let him hang out with his friend (behind the DJ cage) until 3am, when his friend would bring him home. I let him see Miss Thang whenever he wanted, as long as his chores were done and he was keeping up on his job and school. He got to keep his WHOLE paycheck (after paying me back for the phone bill he ran up.) She would come over on the weekends, and he would cook for us, since he loves cooking. He was in ROTC and went to camps and events out of state. It's not like I was this huge ogre.

Until he got disrespectful. Ditching school. Telling me he's going to work and turns out he was at Miss Things house. Lying about where he was going, coming back late. Picking on his little brother (the autistic one) and I don't mean like how brothers pick on brothers, I mean he would have bruises.

Let me give you another example. By this time, I was logging his MSN. I didn't read them until I had a reason, but I wanted to have them just in case I did have a reason. When he lied about going to work when he was actually at Miss Thangs house, I finally started reading them. He told her, "Yeah, I told my mom to kiss my white ass when she told me I couldn't come see you because it was a school night. She cried and stuff and I just walked out. Like she's going to do anything to me." (that's a paraphrase)

Now, I understand the boy is going to try to make himself look big and bad to his girlfriend, but this was, in my mind, completely over the top. I didn't say anything to him, because I didn't want him to know I was logging, or that I had read it. It was shortly after this that the necklace thing happened.

I'm rambling. I don't even remember what the point I was trying to make is anymore. I suppose I need to be ready for the people that think I'm some monster for the way I reacted. But really, read the WHOLE thread first, then try to put yourself into my shoes before you comment.

Hang in there.

[cuddle] Thanks, Patrick. I've missed you and Bruce the most while I was gone. I hope things are going well for you and Mrs. 'Spode and your family. Bryan is really gaining progress, and we have him in regular classes now. The doctors are testing him in February to see if they want to upgrade him from Autistic to formally calling him an Asperger's. (We knew for years he was displaying Asperger's symptoms, but they're going to see if they want to change his "label".) Keep your fingers crossed for us.