[cowhead]

Alright, years go there were two friends, the best friends in all the world.. Sam the Clam and Larry the Lobster, they spent all thier time together frollicking in the ocean, laughing, talking and generally causing the other marine life around them to give cause to stop.. point and speculate about 'just how close they really are..." at the weekly Bingo games..(but I assure they were just good friends.) but I digress... One day as they were merrily playing in a tidal pool some young buck strolls by and in that high squeaky voice that only young children have "look mommy!" as the proverbial 'hand of doom' reached into the tidal pool and pulled Sam the Clam from this world and into the next...Larry in a sudden pique of flight of fight reflex..fled..ran and ran and ran.. (and as you can imagine, that's kind of tricky for a Lobster on dry land..) back into the sea, narrowly escaping a simliar fate..
Once he was back in the ocean, he waited for a while to see if his old friend Sam the Clam would return.. he waited and waited and waited but eventually the reality of the situation settled on him like a ton of bricks (hee hee).... he became horribly morose and utterly depressed.. he began hanging out in the shadier sides of the reef and associating with lesss reputable species.. cuttlefish....gulf shrimp.. and moray eels... nasty bunch.. anyway! he stopped eating, sleeping and well.. eventually the life style he was leading caught up to him.. and Larry the Lobster shuffed off this mortal coil...
everything went black..
he saw a tunnel of light... and he began to ascend... the faces of friends and loved ones beckoned him onward..
eventually there he stood before the pearly gates...the sight was amazing! (and at the time he supressed a little victory dance.. he didn't feel it would be appropriate to do a little shimmy in the face of God..) SO! looking about and wondering what to do next.. he spies a tall handsome bearded fellow standing behind a podium.. this being really the only thing he sees... and being not the sharpest knife in the drawer.. figures (and rightly so) that perhaps this fellow could help.. so off Larry went..
Larry: "uh.. hello..I seem to uh.. be new here..and I was wondering what i should do now?"
St, Peter "AH.. welcome Mr. Lobster.. we've been expecting you"
Larry "really?... I mean towards the end there and all..I..uh.."
St peter "think nothing of it..."
Larry "on my way up I saw the faces of all my loved oned and all that.. but there was one I didn't see...."
St. Peter "oh.. Sam the Clam....."
Larry (excitedly) "RIGHT! he was just busy during my ascention (suprising himself that he remembered such a big word)....wasn't he?!"
St. Peter "ah..well you see....Sam didn't lead a life such as yours.. and *clearing throat* other accomodations had to be provided..."
Larry "What! you mean!!?!?!?!?!?!?"
St. Peter "yes.. that's right.." (pointing downward, shaking his head with a sad look in his eyes)
Larry "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I never even got to say goodbye..." (as he breaks down into a fit of hysterical sobbing)
St Peter "Look, Larry.. I tell you what.. we brokered a deal with the Infernal powers...It allows new arrivals an opportunity to travel to the Nether Regions to say good bye to thier not so 'propper' Loved ones.. before they get through the gates of heaven.. I take it you'd be up for that then?"
Larry (with a hopefull look in his eyes) "really...."
St. Peter "really here's the catch though...you have two weeks, no more and no less, and we're going to give you your wings, your Halo and your Harp now.. so they don't just throw you into a lake of fire or somesuch.."
Larry "lake of fire....."
St Peter "not to worry, as long as you have your wings, your Halo and you Harp.. when you get back... everything will be fine and you can bask in the glory of god for all eternity"
Larry "alright! lets go!"
so donning his wings and halo with his harp slung jauntily over one of his many shoulders off he goes.. the Elevator arrives and in he steps..
of course there is only one button...thankfully for Larry..
SO! down he goes.. and down and down and down.. eventually the lift stops.. and the doors slide ominously open... to reveal....An exact copy of Las Vegas crossed with Branson Missouri and New Jersey... ah teh smell of cheap perfume, swamp gas and buttered pop-corn assailed poor Larrys' Nostrils.... but after a moment his head had cleared up and he felt more or less alright.. so off he went in search of his long lost friend...Sam the Calm.. after stumbling around the Hellish conglomeration for a while.. he eventually spies an "information booth" and a large handsome, reddish fellow...casually thumbing through the new tax codes and chuckling a little under his breath...
Larry "uh... helllo sir?"
The Devil "Oh.. Hello....ah have you had a look at this?" (lifting the 40,000 page volume into view) "some of my best work yet.."
Larry "no sir..I'm just a lobster...I've never had to pay taxes..or have a job"
The Devil "hmmmm... well... that's no good..we'll see what we can do about that...But! anyway how may I help you young Lobster?" (breaking into his trademarked 'sly grin'
Larry "I'm uh.. looking for a friend of mine.. they said he was here..."
The Devil (producing an envelope from no-where) "Tell you what..if i can guess the name of your friend...I get to keep your imortal soul...deal?" (raising the envelope to his forhead...)
Larry "uh... no sir...I've already gotten my wings, Halo and Harp.. they're really expecting me back..."
The Devil "oh....alrighty then...*sigh* but i do love that tick..." (pening the envelope slightly dejectedly..) "Ah! Sam the Clam... yes.. he owns a disco down the street..."
Larry (looks down the nearest street only to discover to his horror that every builing is a disco!) "but..but..how ever will I find him?"
The Devil "Mwaa-haa-haa-haaa!... ah that's nt as much fun as it used to be....it's the 300,000th disco to the left... have fun... you want i should call you a cab?..."
Larry "uh no thanks...." and off he runs
eventually there he is standing before his old freind Sam the Clams disco.. In he goes and it is a joyous tearful re-union suffice to say the two old friends spend the entire week induldging in all of Hells finer pleasures
Larry blacks out... doesn't remember much of anything.. except at the end of the two week period sam and some other crustations pouring him into the elevator wishing him happy basking and promises that we'll keep in touch...
SO! hte elevator finally arrives back in heaven... Larry staggers out of the elevator and stumbles up to St. Peter..
Larry "oooooohhhhh ouch"
St. Peter "Bravo young Mr. lobster! you're back right on time... lets se if you have all your things so you can get into heaven..."
Larry "oooohh ouch"
St. Peter..." let's see it looks like you've got your wings...check"
Larry (rolling over to vomit one more time) "uuuhhhh"
St Peter "you've got your Halo...check"
Larry "aaasprin.. please god...have mercy"
St Peter "hmmm.. but where is your harp?..Larry! where's you'r Harp?!?"
Larry (in sudden shock!) "OH NO! I LEFT ME HARP IN SAM CLAMS DISCO....(sorry you have to say it out loud


secondly
Q.) how many animals can you find in a pair of womens pantyhose?

A.) 10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
1 beaver
and a fish no one can seem to find