[DanaC]

Alternatively it means someone suffers varying degrees of depression and sometimes feel as if they are making a choice not to sink deeper, because in that instance the bout of depression they are feeling is a more manageable one.


I do somewhat subscribe to an element of choice in depression. But I also know that in my own case, I am not capable of making that choice until i get to a certain point with it. Usually, I have already been depressed for some time when I have an epiphany moment ("Ohhh...I'm depressed, that's what it is.") and this epiphany moment usually occurs in the early hours of the morning, having thoroughly harangued myself mentally, with my mind on fast and looping rails, for several hours. Usually this happens after several nights, or more rarely weeks, of the same shit.

Once I have that epiphany moment, everything clicks into place: it explains this about the last few days/weeks, and that. It explains where that tears at the back of my eyes and tight throat feeling is coming from. It explains why I haven;t been able to make myself work, or function properly in the world. Why I've been ignoring the phone, avoiding people, feeling old, feeling ill, feeling whatever negative shit I've been feeling. It explains why the pots have piled up in the kitchen and are discussing forming their own commune. It explains why I haven't been enjoying Pilau's walk, or seeing friends, or anything else that takes me out of my cocoon. It explains why I have ceased being kind to myself and am mentally raking over shit I long ago deemed settled. It explains why I can't interact within any of my family, without having some part of my mind preparing for future bereavement. And why the far future looks so dark.

Once I have realised it's depression, I am on the way up. I am suddenly capable of switching off the thought-rail. Yes it turns itself back on again, but I quickly spot it and turn it back off. I still don't want to go out, but I am more able to force myself through that. Work is still an effort, as is writing on an envelope and posting a letter, but I am usually able then to make myself do one or two small tasks. Ok, so posting back a form, and phoning the vet isn't exactly a day's work, but coming up, it feels like an achievement and another step back.

Over the years I seem to be able to spot that trend sooner. Before I sink to the real depths. Whether it's an illusion or not, I feel more able to intervene and exert control at certain points in the process. My memories of those depths scare the shit out of me, and I am kind of always vigilant for signs that I am losing a grip on my control, my optimism, my peace of mind. I have developed strategies. Things I tell myself, things I do. That allow me to feel more in control of it.

There is a price though. This is part of the reason I have chosen both a single, and a childless life. I am happy with that choice. I have learned to be happy more generally with my choices. A trick taught me both by some very shitty experiences and a very wise Mum.