Quote:
Originally Posted by orthodoc
Thanks guys, doing better ... in my new place for one night of peace, anyway. Have a payroll/benefits session tomorrow. I am SO happy here! My own space. Staying off the booze, drinking some fantastic green tea my son recommended, and copying receipts/writing up stuff for the attorney.
I find it's easy to get muddled after spending a lot of time with stb-x; I bizarrely start feeling guilty, feeling bad for him! After so many years of abuse I still try to make his life easier. But then, just thinking of him angry makes me hyperventilate. And he'll be very angry very shortly.
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This sounds normal.
In my experience, having waves of feelings wash over and through me, from different directions, and of different origins was very unsettling. I had contradictory feelings like you describe. I don't think that's abnormal. I had mixed and contradictory feelings when we were married too. Think about it, there's not much in life of any substance or complexity that evokes purely one reaction. Certainly not something as complex and nuanced and extensive as a multi-decade marriage. You might be buffeted and confused by the whipsawing, but don't doubt yourself (easy to say, harder to do), this is a turbulent time. You're on the right track.
One additional benefit of writing down the things you want to get/do/avoid/etc on a physical list is that it helps keep you focused, your intellectual, analytical mind focused even when your emotional being is ... all over the place. You can't deny the feelings--they are freaking feelings--but it is possible to act one way and feel another. The list helps you focus your actions.
Hang in there. Keep moving forward. Cut yourself some slack.