[Sundae]

Just an update on the Grandad situation.

Mum went to see him twice yesterday, she thinks these are his final days.
Both times he was curled up in a fetal position, not talking any sense (again, he thought Mum was Nan) and wouldn't accept anything other than a couple of sips of sweet tea.

But then we have been here before. And Mum does tend to assume any time his condition worsens he is about to die. And he has often rallied round.

I know she wants him to die and feels horribly guilty about it. She wants him to die as a mercy of course, not because it will be easier for her. Once he dies she is head of her branch of the family and will feel very lonely.

She's already started drafting letters to the family - she was going through old photos and there is a pile of envelopes addressed right next to me, on the printer.

She's asking my advice about where it is best to hold the service, and worrying that with the new order of service in the Catholic church she will looks like someone who has never been to a Catholic funeral before, and will look like an idiot.

She's also being a right mardy bitch, snapping at Dad and at me and being generally unpleasant. I take a deep breath and remember she thinks she is about to lose her father. And given the state of his decline, she already has of course. This is not about me.

I'll step up to the mark like I did at Nanny's funeral. I think that impressed Mum more than anything I have ever done. With all of my other failings and disappointments, she knows at least she can rely on me to perform as a dutiful daughter. I will display the stiff upper lip that she deems proper, and make funeral sandwiches and circulate with drinks and shake people's hands to thank them for coming and listen with interest to tales from long ago and do a reading in a mellifluous voice.

Sometimes, being disassociated is deemed a more proper response.