Quote:
Originally Posted by orthodoc
Umm. Okay, long time not been here. Just wondering ... where does integrity disappear and self-preservation take over? Been trying to negotiate a 'civil' divorce, only to see the soon-to-be-ex-spouse make $340,000 disappear. Nice magic trick. Does anyone ever successfully negotiate a civil divorce? Is there such a thing? I cringe at the prospect of lawyering up only 23 days from D-Day. Am I a hopeless, laughable idealist?
That's what's upsetting me today.  |
Hi orthodoc
We've discussed this question before. Here's a
link to a thread I created back in the day on the subject. It is a good thread, with lots of helpful comments by other posters. I didn't contribute much because at the time, my head was exploding along with my marriage. I faced the same confusing situation; I wanted my marriage to remain intact and I wanted my own life to remain intact. I wondered about how to reconcile my loyalty to my (former) spouse, her loyalty to me, and my reaction to the extreme measures she'd taken at the beginning of our divorce. It was terrible.
I don't like conflict. I find most conflict upsetting. I can't speak for your husband, and I've read your questions several times over and I'm still uncertain whose integrity is disappearing and whose self preservation is taking over. But regardless, I *do* know this: you can't control what the other person's doing or thinking. You can influence it, to some degree, but ... not much, really. What you can control (mostly) is your reaction, your response to the situation.
That's really good news and here's why. You have to live with yourself in the future. What you do now is what you'll have to look back on someday. Do the right thing, now, *for you*, and you will minimize the regrets you will face later. If being civil is very important to you, be civil. If having a fair financial settlement of your assets is important to you, work for that. If retaining possession of a particular object is important to you, secure it. Find out what is important to you, write it down. No, write them down. Then look at the list and identify which ones you can accomplish on your own and which ones require cooperation (or compulsion) of another person, likely your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. This list, it is probably not filled with mutually exclusive items. You can probably do many of them without having to sacrifice others. The ones you can do alone, do them. The ones that take two people, you need to have a plan how to get those done.
Just like any other group effort, how to reconcile competing agendas and motivations, how to engender a spirit of cooperation and civility, how to stay on target and reach your goals is a multi-faceted task. I can't advise you on how to do this. I would urge you to keep a couple things in mind as you work through this. Keep in mind your own worth. Keep in mind you need to take care of yourself, and that YOU are the primary person responsible for that and the person who has the most power to achieve this. Keep in mind the items on your list, and their relative priority. Keep in mind this is a long term process, months or years long for different aspects. Also keep in mind this whole process can easily bring out the worst in anyone, yourself included. Adjust accordingly for yourself and for the others.
Look after yourself. Be good to yourself. Be as good to others as you can be while caring for yourself too. Ask for help and support. You have a source of it here, but other friends and professionals (lawyers, etc) have their place. Don't be a hero. You have a long, (likely) crappy road ahead of you. Pace yourself.
Keep checking in, ok?