[orthodoc]

Thanks Ali, I try to calm down and do Zen breathing every time I can. But when I forget all of my books, my case files, and my meds in smalltown and have to scramble to get meds etc. for the week - and have to make lists upon lists and then still forget things, and am too exhausted by 7 pm to do the required 4 hours of academic work, but still can't sleep ... I get to the point where I don't feel like I'll ever be normal again. I spent almost two hours tonight trying to book flights to see my father and didn't, because there were so many variables and I don't trust young pilots in small planes (how ironic, I'm the one who shouldn't care), and I ended up deciding to drive. Although based on my last long trip that may not be a great idea. But at least, if a fatal accident occurs, I'll be in control. And no, I won't kill anyone else.

I keep pulling academic stuff off and it reassures me but something deeper is wrong. However ... it'll make itself unquestionably felt when it's ready. It may be that, before that time comes, i'll have other things to worry about.

I don't mean to come off as a drama queen. I just have a deep, gnawing feeling that something is far wrong.